Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Healing The Itchy Hand Rash, Day 2

Healing The Itchy
Hand Rash, Day 2
For background on this post, please begin at the blog post on November 6, 2011 (Healing The Itchy Hand Rash, Intro).

From My Personal Journal on October 11, 2011

Suspended In Flight

I feel as if I opened up the proverbial can of worms yesterday.  It seems as if I'm afraid of being judged childish and selfish.  Yet, I struggle to understand where it is that I am in this moment.

I feel as if I am suspended in flight.  Right now, I am not moving forward, nor am I moving backwards.  In fact, it feels like I am stationary and suspended in flight.

So where do I go?  What do I do?  Do I just sit here waiting for something of substance to come along so that I can latch on to it as a propellant?  

It is important for me to note that I'm not a patient person.  I never sit around waiting.  Sometimes I chase rainbows just to prevent boredom.  For me to sit around and wait is like asking water to flow up a mountain.  

The one certain thing I know for sure is that I am going to keep searching.  It may seem like a snail's pace at times, but I will keep searching.  At some moment, I will be able to see my feet on the path that I am traveling.  For now, it feels like I am suspended in flight.

This is the day I had the melt down, when I wanted to let go of life.  My thoughts of suicide were so real that day that if my partner would not have stopped me, I would have gotten in the car and that would have been the end of it.  I was so prepared that day to cease life because of the horrors were beginning to surface.

I remember crying so hard and him holding me for what seemed like hours.  The images flooding into my conscious memory that day still haunt me and bring deep tears to my eyes as I write this.  Yet, I can not share these images with anyone because they are so full of pain and shame.  They frighten me.  They control me.

Even writing these thoughts several days later, I'm still manipulated by the feelings and emotions rising out of my body.  I long to really feel love from another person without being afraid and running away.  I recognize I have those people in my life, but the fears prevent me from embracing them fully.  One day, I hope love transcends all that I have known up to this point in my life.

The rash at this point was nothing more than just a few bumps on my hand.  When I woke up in the morning from a night of sleep, I noticed that something was all over my hand but did not seem like anything to get overly concerned about.  It was more of a nuisance at that moment and itched somewhat, but nothing that caused great distress.

Please come back for Day 3 on November 9, 2011

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