Christmas Gift Giving Anxiety

Written By Don Shetterly

One of the things that makes this time of year so difficult is Christmas gift-giving anxiety.  I had many horrible experiences while growing up, and it makes it a struggle.

Yes, I know everyone will tell you that you give gifts at Christmas out of love.  While there is so much truth to that, there's a part that is not spoken.  Try not giving a gift to your family and see how the reaction is.   That will show you the other unspoken part.

In all honesty, though, we spend a lot of money at Christmas because we have to buy the perfect gift for our loved ones.  I think we've truly lost our way in what really matters, but trying to get the world to see that is like plugging a leaking dam with your finger.

One Christmas while I was in college, I was struggling to make it financially.  I didn't have money from parents.  I had no financial aid.  Everything I needed to pay for college was either student loans or from a full-time job I was working.  I was making it each month, but with nothing extra left over.  If Starbucks had been around then, that would have been a luxury.

This particular year, I had been saving my pennies, nickels, and dimes up.  I was collecting soda cans and turning them in for the 5 cent deposit we had in Iowa.  By Christmas, I think I had saved around $50 which was not a lot, but it's all I had.  I had presents to buy for my Dad, Mom, older brother, younger brother, and my older brother's wife.  Splitting $50 up between that many people doesn't go far, but I did the best I could.

I looked for items that they could use, and that would allow me to spend within the budget I had.  Using the comics sections of the Sunday newspaper, I wrapped the gifts with care.  Wrapping paper was too expensive for me to buy at that point.  I was proud of what I had done because the $50 I spent on gifts could have purchased a month's worth of groceries for me in those days.  Instead I was giving some of my Christmas joy away to my family.

When my family opened the gifts I had gotten for them on Christmas Day, the response I got was not what I expected.  They looked at me and said, "this is all you got us?"  I was crushed.  I was hurt.  They should have just shot me with a gun because it would not have hurt anymore at that moment.  I so badly wanted to take all the gifts back and go give them to the homeless.

Another experience was after I had just gotten out of the hospital from going through Conversion Disorder and being paralyzed.  My parents and I were not on great speaking terms because they were afraid I was going to spill the family secrets.  So, I could have cared less that year if I bought presents or not.  I finally sent them a check for $25 and a lovely card and letter.  The response I got back was "if this is all you're going to do for Christmas, then please don't send us anything more!"  You talk about being crushed.  This was so hurtful, and I honored their request.  I never sent them another thing.

So while everyone wants to think this is an excellent time of year, Christmas gift-giving anxiety is a real thing.  We might not be conscious enough to admit it, and often we feel powerless in our families.  There can be some real hurt inflicted on this day.

If someone gives me something, I don't care if it is a rock, I will cherish it.  Never will you hear me disparage a gift as if it is not enough.  Christmas gift-giving anxiety causes people to spend mega fortunes and go deep into debt at Christmas.

We never got a lot of gifts at Christmas, but the ones we got were special.  My mom would find a way to make the season special even if she could not spend much.

These days, I'll surprise people at the last minute the day before Christmas with homemade cookies or little things.  I'm not looking for them to give me a gift.  I just enjoy giving something.  I still struggle with Christmas gift-giving anxiety, but I try to do things on my own terms.

Call me a Scrooge if you want because I don't celebrate like most people do, but then why would I want more hurt inflicted upon me.  If someone doesn't appreciate what you get them, then no sense to do it for them.

I'm guessing that I am not the only one with Christmas gift-giving anxiety.  If you deal with this, please leave your story in a comment below.  I'd love to hear your experiences.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 11/30/17 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required in writing before any part of this blog is reprinted, reworded, transmitted or used in any format. 
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Suck It Up And Move On

Written By Don Shetterly

These words make my skin crawl with disgust for humanity.  When I see someone tell another person going through a difficult time to suck it up and move on, it saddens me.  Why on earth would you make this statement to anyone?

We all have our difficult moments and issues in our life.  Sometimes they are not easy to just move on to the next moment as if they didn't happen.  They are often complex and require little steps towards healing and moving on.

No one can tell another when they should move on.  If we have not walked in the shoes of another and we don't know what they are dealing with in their life.  In fact, even though it may appear to us that they are not moving on, they may, in fact, be making significant progress.  They may be taking big leaps when we cannot see it.

It is not up to us to be heartless and mean and uncaring to someone by telling them to suck it up and move on.  I believe this is about as low as you can get on being human.  Okay, there are other things much lower, but this ranks right down at the bottom of human consciousness.

Telling someone to suck it up means you're telling them to ignore what it is they are feeling or have experienced.  You're saying to those who are struggling that what they are going through does not matter.  Most likely how it makes you feel is more important than what they are going through at that moment.

When others are going through difficult moments, one of the worst things is to listen to people telling them to suck it up and move on.  In fact, that's a recipe for major health issues, mental health struggles like depression and anxiety and suicide.  It is a recipe for adding stress to your life and setting up moments in the future where you don't deal with things in a healthy way.

If you can't be there for the person with empathy and compassion, maybe the best thing to do is run along into the woods.  Perhaps it is a time for you to do some soul-searching about what it means to be human.  You're not helping anyone if you are making statements like this to others.  You're hurting them in ways you don't even understand.

(click to read the blog post)

The world needs those who are peaceful and loving.  We don't need more judgment and condemnation.  We need empathy and love, compassion and understanding.  The world needs us to show up for one another and help support each other as we walk through this journey of life.

Be human and stop telling others to suck it up and move on!  You'll be doing the world a big favor.  You will be impacting the world in a positive way.

Extend your arms of support to people.  Don't harm them more when they are facing difficult moments.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 12/21/17 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required in writing before any part of this blog is reprinted, reworded, transmitted or used in any format. 
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Interview With Rebecca - It's Not Your Journey

Interview with Rebecca Lombardo

I had the wonderful opportunity to get a few moments of time with Rebcca Lombardo.  In case you don't know Rebecca, she's a wonderful person who works to help others.  She is an author, advocate and survivor and a Huffington Post Blogger.

Rebecca is the author of "It's Not Your Journey" where she talks about her battle with mental illness and suicide.  Using writing, she wanted to let go of some of the pain she had dealt with in her life.  It never dawned on her that by writing, she would be helping others.

This is what drew my attention to Rebecca because by sharing her pain, she did help others.  I have found the same thing to be true in my own life.   I personally have struggled with suicide in my own life and I try to be there for others when the moments get very dark in life.

Here are a few questions.

1. How did you go about learning to make healthy decisions for your own healing

   After more than 20 years dealing with mental illness, I've become pretty self-aware. I know what works for me and what doesn't most of the time. Other times, my husband can see the tell-tale signs of me spiraling and carefully brings up the topic to me.

2. What is the most important thing you have learned about healing in your own life?

   The most important thing is that I DO want to live. I want to be here and spend as much time as possible with my husband and pets, and that suicide is NOT an option. I'm never going back there again.
   
    

3. How does writing help you to be able to help others?

   I feel like mental illness in all its forms is very lonely and isolating. When people see that there are others out there just like them that are living a decent life, it starts to occur to them that maybe it can happen for them as well.

4. In what ways did your book help you in your healing?

   My book helped me purge all of the anger, resentment, and frustration from my life that I had just been carrying around like a weight on my shoulders. It also helped to validate what I was feeling.

5. What is your most difficult challenge you face in your healing and life?

   It's always hard for me when I hit a bad patch with my depression. I always think to myself that I ought to know how to get out of this, but I don't. Every time you travel the journey, it's for a different reason and in a different direction.

6.  What can we do to improve mental health in our world?

   I think we've definitely opened a dialogue, but we have to keep going. People fear what they do not understand.  We have to make it easier for them to understand. Make it a regular discussion.

7. If someone is suicidal, what can they do?

   If they don't have someone they love to go to and talk it out, there are many resources out there, but going to the emergency room is an important option. They can also text Crisis Text Line at 741 741. I always advise, don't go on social media and talk about it because you may not get the reaction that you were hoping for and that may upset you even more. Find a friend or loved one and have a key word with them. Say, "apple." You just call or text that person and say "apple" and they will know you need help.

8. How do you reach out and connect with someone that is suicidal?

   I am very cautious about offering any specific advice to someone that is suicidal. I'm not a doctor, and I don't want to make things worse, so I try to just be there and be a sounding board and hope to make them feel a bit better. I strongly urge them to seek out someone in there life to talk to.

I appreciate Rebecca sitting down with me for a few minutes and talking with me.  Please check out her book and website.  You can also find Rebecca on Twitter.

Rebecca also is open for speaking engagements in the Michigan area, and you can contact her for more details through her website.

If you are struggling with suicide, I know it isn't easy to reach out, but ask for help.  Find a trusted friend or text the crisis text line in question #7.  Reach out because there are others that know what it is like to go through these moments.  There is help!

For More On Rebecca

• Rebecca's Website:  www.rebeccalombardo.com
• Book: It's Not Your Journey
• Twitter:  @BekaLombardo

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Blog Post And Images (c) 12/19/17 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required in writing before any part of this blog is reprinted, reworded, transmitted or used in any format. 
• Feel free to share the blog post LINK and a brief summary.  

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