Inflicted By Pain And Hurt In Life

This is more of a personal blog post and of course by the time anyone reads it, considerable time will have passed. However, I just feel the need to write because when I write, I think and when I think, more becomes clear. I'm in one of those times where I just need to write. It reminds me of John Boy Walton on the Walton's TV show when he said "daddy, if I don't write the words down on paper, they get all jumbled up inside of my head." Of course, he kept most of what he wrote to himself unlike myself.

Lately, I've gone through some intense hurt and pain inflicted by others. Yes, I probably didn't set good boundaries in place so I allowed some people to hurt me deeply. They don't see it that way I'm sure and I'm actually tired of trying to reveal what it is that they did to ears that seem to go deaf. Regardless, I know what it feels like to live inside of my body right now and it hurts. So why am I sharing this on my blog when I try to keep things upbeat, well like I said above, sometimes it helps me to think more clearly. I'm also hoping that this helps someone out there that may be experiencing the same thing or has experienced a similar hurt and pain.

It is never easy in life to navigate these waters nor is it easy at times to stand alone on the island, steadfast in your morals, convictions and what you know to be true. There are things that I know without a shadow of a doubt as to the truth behind them. I cannot explain how I know these things, but I do.

I see things in a different way than most human inhabitants but I'm often met with confusion as I try to explain these things. Of course, it doesn't stop others from trying to convince me that their set of healing beliefs is the thing I need to learn when I can clearly see, that what others want to teach me is a belief system, rather than something that is truth based. Yes, I do understand that to each person with these healing modalities, they feel it is a truth based system but of course, that is only with their eyes partially open.

So back to the difficult time I am struggling through. With the pain that was inflicted upon me, I have run for the hills trying to find safe cover in the nearest cave of the hills. I knew my answer did not lie in that cave but I needed safety and time that I could just recover, center myself and rid myself of the energy of the beliefs that was thrust upon me. It isn't an easy time that I speak of as I feel the loneliness of the path I was called to walk. I realize that the time has not fully come yet, but is close and this is all preparation work for what lies ahead in my life. It does not make any of it easier.

Some days, I wonder if I have the strength to carry through into the journey I am on. Will I be strong enough to do what it is that I need to do? Will I be strong enough to counter balance the effects of all the belief based systems that people cling to? Will I have the courage to walk the path through the obstacles, the fire, and the treacherous, frightening moments?

All I know is that when I was paralyzed in 1991, no one could tell me the first thing that I needed to do in order to heal myself. Everyone sat there in silence offering snippets of wisdom but I honestly think no one really knew the best course of treatment. I can remember lying there in the hospital bed wondering if this was all I could expect to be a part of for the rest of my life, paralyzed, barely able to speak, move, feel, sense and think. I was nothing more than an existence at that point. Yet, life would not let me slip away for good. I knew at that moment that there was a reason why my life would not end and I knew it would not be easy.

Where life is going at this moment, I have not got a clue. All I know is that I'm trying to focus on this current moment I have and not succumb to the fears that are bashing me from every angle. I'm learning to get in touch with the past so as to allow it to teach me about all that I am and all that I have the potential to be in my life. I'm trying to be patient and understanding of those that are clinging to beliefs instead of discovering the evolution and awareness within themselves.

Many years ago, I knew this would not be an easy path and it has not been for one moment. These difficulties are the things that keep me centered and grounded and down to earth, not some off the wall new age concept person. You might think I am being too harsh on new age people but I just desire and hope that they will begin to open up to what truly matters in this world. There are so many that are chasing the false illusions of reality and missing the gift within themselves.

Tomorrow is a day away and as I continue to step out in faith, I am reminded of the sounds of the ocean waves that lull me into the present moment. The ocean does not worry about which wave it will send to the shore, nor which one will come back. It just allows itself to be there, connecting and being part of a greater and larger part of a body of water. It has no agenda, nor a perceived time of when waves are to come to the shore. It just functions in the moment absorbing all that there is and giving all it has to give. Even when pains and hurts are inflicted upon it, the waves still function and they never give up.


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