I feel like life sucks at times and no matter what, it is the way it is. It is like I've got to endure this no matter what. It is like, it isn't going to change no matter how hard I try or improve or work to make things different. It feels like a life sentence.
Throughout my life I had to put up with trauma, abuse, torture, molestation, ridicule, emotional beatings, physical beatings, being abandoned, and being ostracized and brainwashed. I could go on. I could literally list the things I've been through ad nauseum, but it feels like someone is just out pounding the cement without a hammer.
I've dealt with tons of this and I've made considerable progress considering I was paralyzed from it in 1991 as a Conversion Disorder. I have to give myself credit for how far I've come, but some days when it looks like life sucks, it feels like I'm just slipping down the steep side of a big mountain.
Lately, I've pulled back from everyone. I got trampled on pretty hard and so right now, I'm stepped back away from people. It was just too much to deal with and to be honest, if one more person shit on me right now, I don't think I could handle it at all.
It is what it is. I feel like my life has gone haywire right now and I'm trying to get it back on track. How I do that at the moment amounts to one step at a time. I'm trying to find anything to focus on so I can at least grab the hand rails of life once again.
I know it will get better. I know I've been through much worse and I survived. It is just not easy at the moment because this reared up and slapped me hard. I'm sure its another layer of healing, but one day, I hope to be able to say things have smoothed out. I'm hoping for that soon!
Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly
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