At times it feels like life is too tough. I feel the challenges I face are more than any one person should have to deal with. I wonder when things will get better or if they ever will. Situations of concern stack upon each other as if there is no end in sight.
Time and time again, I struggle with these things that hit me. It feels like a wall of water crashing into me. I feel as if there are no good days ahead. It is hard to convince myself that things will get better. The end seems like it is nowhere in sight.
During these times, life appears to be filled with the absence of those I know. I feel all alone and shunned. I feel as if I am not good enough and that no one wants me. I cry out in silence, only to be heard by ears that seem like they cannot hear. No matter how many tears I shed of desperation, there are never enough.
So what do I do? How do I not feel shunned by those who mean so much to me? Maybe someone would try and convince me that this is not the case, but within y heart, I ache for a morsel of love. It feels hopeless to me. I fear there is no end to the hell I live through.
Yet, I know this is not the first time I have ever felt this way. Truly, it has been my constant companion throughout my life. It has been my friend that has constantly stuck with me. However, I do not want this friend. I want to be free of feeling shunned by life. I want to feel like I fit in this world before my days are complete.
Because I am such a highly sensitive person, this is much more difficult to deal with. Everything seems to hit me much more intensely then most in this world. I feel things that I can barely put into perspective. These things become overwhelming. They give me no rest.
Everywhere I turn; my mind seems to be filled with more questions than answers. While I know that the answer lie within me, I knock on the door but no one answers. It all seems futile. It all seems like there is no point. I am filled with exhaustion.
I do recognize that feeling shunned by life and like an outcast has some strong, biological connections for me. There are many pains of old, which grace my mind. I also know that this too shall pass. My current moment of despair will flow into calmer waters. There will be peace in my life once again.
For now I must ask myself and the pain that I am experiencing, why are you here? What is your purpose? Why have you showed up once again? For these experiences are trying to teach me those hard learned lessons of life. They are showing me moments of greater awareness. They are offering me a greater connectedness to myself.
I humbly try to accept and learn from my feelings of being shunned by life. I humbly try to realize that not everyone is out there to get me, even when it feels that way. I humbly try to love and accept myself even through these difficult times in life.
If I allow myself to travel this journey, through the fear of being shunned, I will become stronger. I know I will grow in ways that I cannot imagine. Please, may I find the strength I need in order to complete this leg of my journey.
(Above Picture taken at St Augustine Beach, FL - (c) 08/13/09)
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A Mother's Promise To Help After Son's Suicide
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