Hiding The Punishment Board

When we were kids, we had this beds that had oak slats in them.  Sometimes we would jump up and down on the springs and of course, every now and then the oak slat would break.  Generally when that happened, my dad would scream and get angry.  But hey, that was nothing new.

Of course, he then figured out that the board made a nice punishment tool. In fact it was more effective than the belt he would normally use.  It didn't give in flexibility like a belt and it inflicted more pain upon us kids.

I used to hate the thing almost as much as I hated my father.  He didn't just punish us, he beat us.  Often it was for some small thing that just set him off wrong.  It didn't take much to find yourself on the wrong end of his anger.

The board was too convenient

Throughout the years, my brothers and I dealt with that stupid board.  I tried hard to be as perfect as I could be for we were not only taught that Jesus wanted you to be perfect, but any little infraction would bring punishment with great pain by my dad.  The board was just too convenient for him to use on us.

Since we moved around a lot, it was not uncommon to forget something.  Most of the homes we lived in were rentals and there was always left over junk from before we got there and long after we left.

In addition, my dad loved to collect lumber.  If he went by a railroad car with old lumber in it, he would go to great lengths to ask the right person if he could have it.  Then, we would go and pull all of this lumber out and drag it home.  Next, my brothers and I would have to pull each and every bent nail out of the boards.  We spent hours doing this every day when we got home from school.  Of course, my father never helped except to chastise us if we broke a nail off in the board or we weren't doing it fast enough or correct enough.  I hated this lumber.  I loathed him collecting it and most of the time it never got used for anything.

I was so tired of being beat with that board...

On one such move, I got smart and didn't tell my brothers or anyone the plan I had in my mind.  I was so tired of being beat with that board, that I decided to hide it.  The big stack of wood that he had collected was not going to go with us to our new home.  It was too far of a drive and not enough space in the moving truck for it, so my father donated it to some friend in church.

Without anyone looking, I quickly took the board and ran to the wood pile and hid it so it wouldn't be found.  I made sure no one saw me and if anyone walked around the lumber, it would not be seen.  It was just before we were ready to get in the moving truck and leave.

Where did the punishment board go?

When we got to the new place, my dad was perplexed at where this board had gone.  He surmised it must have been misplaced in the move or left behind, but he didn't know where it had gone.  Finally, little bit of a reprieve, but not by much because he still had his belt and his hand and his tools to punish us with.  He could still kick us too.

It was not until years later that I told the family what I had done with it.  They didn't suspect it out of me because I was always the one that tried to behave and do the right thing.  When I told them, I knew I was safe and while everyone laughed, I am sure my father probably wanted to beat the daylights out of me at that point.  I won that battle.  It was about the only battle with him I won.

I'll never forget that oak slat board he used for punishment.  I so badly wanted to use it on him and believe me, if I still had it, I probably would.  The pain we endured from those years has never left me.  It remains a constant reminder to me.

I'm just glad I was smart enough to go and hide the thing and not tell a soul.  I doubt I could have trusted anyone in the family to keep the secret which would have been a horror for me.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
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Learning To Let Go In The Healing Process

Healing is about learning to let go and every time we go into the process, the body and mind (all the old fear patterns and tapes that play) don't want to give up control.  It is the old self - the ego part of us that says - no way - I'm going to stay in control.

These toxic parts and old tapes desire for us to keep everything in place, even if it is the most toxic thing for our lives.  These parts have a strong desire to survive even though they may be hurting us at the same time.  Deep healing takes us into those moments and it can become a tug-of-war.  The trick is allowing it to happen in the way that it is unfolding. 

I know I fought it in the beginning and wanted everything fixed now.  I was frustrated at times that everything wasn't magically better.  However, just like then, I'm still learning what it truly means to surrender into the moment I am at in my life.  It is such a part of being human and living the human experience.  What healing is trying to do is take us beyond our current moment and when we go beyond that, it begins to change internal things from the inside out.

Sometimes those changes take time...

Sometimes those changes happen overnight.  Sometimes those changes take time.  It is a process...  and the process will continue to unfold as far as we allow it.  I go through this too just like many others do.  Its not easy to walk into the darkness of the unknown.

One therapist repeated to me many times, the following thought which I found very useful.  I know that sounds simplistic, but it is the essence of what all this is about.

When we step into the darkness of the unknown, one of two things will happen.  We will either be given wings and taught to fly or we will have something solid to stand on. 

The fears are powerful.  There is no denying that.  I remember one healer talking about "negative pleasures".  Even if something is negative or harmful in our life, there is often a part that we are too afraid to give up.  We want to hold on to it because that is all we know to do.   It was our method of survival when the trauma was taking place.  To give it up and find the peace and healing is part of the lesson.  It is the part that helps us find out what we need to learn.

I still remember one time that I was struggling with a rash that would not go away.  Dr. Canali looked at me and said, "are you ready to let go?"  At first, I thought I was, but as I started to get angry and upset, I realized in the session that I was not ready to let go of it.  I feared that if I let go, I wouldn't survive. I wouldn't make it.  I wouldn't know what was beyond that which I was experiencing.  It was all that I knew and as if someone was asking me to cut off my leg or arm.  It was a struggle to understand that.

Healing is about learning to let go but it is a process.  It is a process that has to unfold and the more we stand in the way of it, the more we hold it back.  It is not a race to the finish line, but an awareness of all that we are.  Through that awareness and consciousness, we heal and become more than we are today.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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How I Conquered Pain and Despair

Throughout my healing journey, I've faced moments where I thought it was over.  I've had to deal with not having enough strength, courage, hope or desire to make it another day or even another second. There have been more times than I can remember where I didn't have the strength to go on, let alone grab the hand that was reaching out to me.

When I went through Conversion Disorder, there was one day they were bringing me back to life.  My body and mind had decided to give up and it took modern medicine to bring me back into this world.  I didn't want to live.  I was tired of the fight.  I was tired of trying to stay strong enough for another moment so I could even begin to find my way out of hell.

For a long time, I didn't know the way out.  I didn't think there was a way out.  For a long time, every breath I took seemed hopeless.  It felt as if nothing was ever going to change.

For a long time, I couldn't even begin to see the hands that were reaching out or the hugs of support that were coming my way.  I complained and bemoaned that I was all alone and in fact I was.  I had made myself all alone in a world that was more frightening to me than I understood.

For a time, I lashed out at everyone and anyone and all things that were good for me.  I needed the safety and security of what I deemed normal in life.  Anything that didn't fit into the mode of what I thought life and existence was, ended up being thrown in my daily trash bin of life's useless stuff.

No one thought I would walk again.  I didn't think my memory would ever come back.  No one thought I would function normally another day in my life and return to the job that was fortunately still waiting for me.  I didn't think my anxiety would ever subside enough to walk in the store or drive down the road or walk outside my door.

No one thought I would make it...

No one thought I would make it.  I didn't think the depression and pain would ever lift enough for me to find one good moment in life.  Everyone seemed to have all the feel good things that they knew could help.  I didn't think that there was any hope of happiness in my days for happiness was not a friend to me.

I fought and I struggled.  I shunned many people who I could not deal with and I sunk deeper into my little cave.  I hid from the world.  I hid from my family.  I cried day and night while hugging my cat.  My cat was the only thing I loved.  I didn't even love myself.

I wasn't supposed to come out of Conversion Disorder and function normally in life.  However, I wasn't about to let them win.  I wasn't about to remain an incapacitated shell of a human being.

I could have just gave up...

I could have stayed where I was.  There were no answers, but plenty of questions.  I could have just gave up, but somehow - there was something that kept me going.  My anger propelled me further and my stubbornness became my best friend.  My willingness to never accept the condition I was in was the motivation to taking a step and coming back from dead.

There is time to be angry and hateful and distant.  There is a time for us to almost give up and feel like there is no hope.  There is a time for us to wallow in our misery and despair, thinking that there is no way forward.  There is a time for all of this.  No one can tell you when that time has passed.

However, I know through first hand experience, there is no better way to conquer, then by picking up the pieces and trying to figure out how to put them together.  There is not better way to conquer then to get up from the night of despair and look at another sunrise.

I know deep down that the desire within me to walk again, breathe again and live again was all I had.  It is what helped me to search for answers and discard those stubborn beliefs that had failed me in life.

The desire to heal...

The desire to heal and to thrive and become all that I am today was not by believing there were no options, but by finding out that I had not discovered the options yet.  It was not about what I knew in the moment, but that I allowed myself to search and discover and find out what I did not know.

Days are not always sunny and bright.  There are dark moments of healing and discovery and wallowing and self pity.  The trick isn't how to avoid them, but learning how to walk through them harnessing the skills and knowledge that will help you walk down the healing road.

These are the things that will help you prevail in your days ahead so that the despair will no longer rule your life as it once did.  These are the things that you pick up which help you learn and discover and find out much more of life than you ever knew exists.

The most important thing I found through my entire healing journey is that I could not hold on to that which I thought I knew because if I did, I would not discover that which I did not know.  It was in the discovery that I began to find out what my life was and who I truly was.

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Blog Post And Images (c) 2016 by Don Shetterly

• Permission required before any part of this blog post is reprinted, reworded or used in any form. 
• You are welcomed to share the LINK to this blog post.  

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