Protect Your Boundaries

Many years ago, I struggled so much with this concept.  I didn't even think boundaries were something I remotely understood.  When they get violated repeatedly and violently early on in life, learning to protect your boundaries is essential for growth.

I can see more and more just how some of those lessons were preparing me for my current life and that is to come in the future.  Without some of what I have learned, I'd be crumbling for sure now.

Boundaries are essential to life.  It doesn't mean you keep everyone out or you let everyone in.  You learn to discern which people at which times of your life can cross through into the inner circle of your life.  Some people are fine most of the time, but there are times when you need to pull back.

Surviving Father's Day

To all the great, loving and wonderful fathers out there, I admire and am warmed by your presence in this world. There, I said that. I actually got that sentence out! It's a first in a very long time that I could write or say these words! Most of the time, what I would say on Father's Day, you really don't want to know! It wouldn't be appropriate for all ages.

For me, Father's Day is anything but wonderful. Except for my two cats, I'm not a father and I don't ever plan on being one. I really don't consider my cats my children anyway as I see them as equals, not subordinates.

For those that have read my book, "Hope And Possibility Through Trauma", you will already know that my father was more of a sperm donor than a father. He of course would differ with that opinion and feels he did nothing to harm me. I, on the other hand know the truth.

It is a difficult day for me and I know it is a difficult day for many others. I wish I could say differently but I can't if I am honest with myself and with life. I wish I could say that I still talked to my father and that we had a good relationship but the last time I spoke with him was around 1998. He's too toxic for me and there is no good purpose served for me to attempt to contact him. He made his own bed (no pun intended) and I have had to move on with my life.

While it is difficult for me to survive Father's Day, I am trying to be supportive and positive to those that have a father they love or miss or that may be a father to some wonderful children. If you fall into these categories, let me know that you are out there. You might help change my perception of what a father is, because in my case, the only one I knew, fell short.




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Blog Post & Images (c) 6/18/11 Don Shetterly - use by permission only
http://www.donshetterly.com

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Healthy Relationships

My partner and I have some great moments and then we also have moments where I'm sure both of us question our relationship. To me, this is a balanced relationship because one without the other would be boring I suspect (at least to me) or maybe not balanced!

We've been together for almost 11 years now and the relationship has changed as we have changed. (through both the good and the bad).

One thing we both see is how we've grown individually and as a couple. We're not the same people we were when we met and that's a good thing. The important part though is we've grown together as we've grown individually. Both parts I think are important. Sometimes though the rate of growth has been different between us which does account for some of the push/pull parts of our relationship.

We had a rough period of time when we first got together until we learned that some things matter and some things don't. The little things that we were getting so upset over, really didn't matter in the end. Once we focused on what we shared and what we loved about the other person, many of those things just diminished in view. They just weren't as important for us.

We've learned to allow the other person to feel miserable and like crap and be sad, depressed, crying... etc... and be ok with it. It isn't always easy to see someone you love struggle, but we just try to support each other and allow the other person to continue on their journey. That can get very tough to do! But it has allowed us to both grow in some intense ways and I doubt we would have grown if the other person would have been trying to fix each other's problems.

Early on in our relationship, I could barely have much touch or hugs or even sex. So we developed a way that if something made either of us uncomfortable, all we had to do was say "stop". No questions asked and no reasons for it other than we just needed to stop. It gave us so much personal power and control that usually helped us move through those issues. The trust we developed as a result has been very helpful and nurturing.

Sometimes we find we get in a rut and life becomes predictable. We get in a routine and then things get boring. So every now and then, we just take a day and run off to the beach or some city or park or something that we find fun. It gives us a break away and just allows us to have fun. We try to have those silly moments as well to really just be kids and enjoy life. Life can get difficult enough without us adding to it.

We're together a lot because both of us work out of our home. Sometimes, we just need a break from each other and so we make sure we find things to do by ourselves that give us that. It may be sitting out by our pool, reading a book or going to the fitness center or whatever it is. Time spent apart is just as valuable as the time we spend together.

We also have many differences in our personalities and our likes but we've learned to be with the other person in some of those activities. We just share them with each other and while they are activities either of us would not do on our own, they are something different that we can share together and enrich not only our own lives but our relationship.

*For more articles, check out the Mind Body Thoughts Blog

Your Choice to Awareness

We are what we are in life and we are what we have not dealt with in our lives. While that may sound complicated, it is really a simple statement.

All of your sum experiences up until this moment in life is what has made you in to the person you currently are. All the good, bad, ugly, beautiful and even the forgotten moments come together and have created you as a person, a soul and an entity.

In addition to this, the unconscious or conscious choices we have made to not deal with all aspects of our life is a part of who we are as a human being living in a breathing, physical, body. Yes, there are many things that we choose to not become aware of just as there are many unconscious things we have chosen to not become aware of.

So often though, I've run into people of all ages and walks in life that paste the happy, I'm past these things smile on to their face. They proclaim that the best way forward is to just not think about the past and move on. They hint that you just have to focus your attention on the present and what lies ahead, while you forget all that took place which may have been unpleasant. Often you will hear these people say - just put your past behind you or you just need to move on. I've moved on, why can't you? You might even hear things like - quit living in the past or you just need to pick yourself up and move on or get over it or just move on. There are a number of things that get said and most of these statements reflect more upon where that individual stating them is in their own life, rather than what you need to do.

Many of us may have been given a horrible hand in our past to deal with and there is no way at this moment in our lives that we can go back and change that. What happened to us is part of us whether we want to own it or not. On the other hand, if we do not deal with all that happened, then we are playing with a ticking time bomb. Yes, all of these things will continue to eat away at us through anger, relationship issues and problems, excessive indulgences like drinking, smoking, drugs, work, etc and through difficulties in many areas of our lives. If we continue to let these things fester and find a home in our lives, they will become a ticking time bomb that will go off at some point. How it goes off will vary by the person, but it is almost guaranteed that it will.

So is this a life sentence? No! It does not have to be unless we allow it to. I know, I hear you saying - well its not fun or easy or pretty to deal with. I hear some saying as they are reading this that I've got better things to do with my time than to deal with all of this stuff that I'd just rather forget. I hear some saying that you just don't know how hard I had it in my life.

Unfortunately, I do know how difficult it can be in life and I've been through so much in my own life. Yes, we can choose to not deal with it because it is too tough, or difficult or too ugly but then we are truly robbing ourselves of what it really means to be human. We are affecting everyone around us that we interact with and we are affecting the entire population and the universe as well. We don't just rob ourselves of all that can be. We rob the entire universe of being all that we can be.

It is a choice we make whether it is a conscious or unconscious one. To make no choice at all means we are sticking with the status quo in our life and choosing to not become all that we are meant to be. It is as simple and complicated as that is stated. We have the power to make the choices for our lives that we desire and we also have the power to free ourselves from the fear, the pain and horrors of our past whether we feel like we do or not.

It is up to each one of us to make the choice of what we will do with the hours we have today. It is up to each one of us whether we will remain unconscious in our awareness or if we will consciously choose to become aware of all that we are. No one else can do this for us and no one else can make the choice. Yes, it does take others to help you walk through some of these troubled journeys but the only way you begin walking is by making the choice to take the steps.

*For more articles, check out the Mind Body Thoughts Blog

The Art Of Listening

I often heard a familiar statement while growing up. "God gave you two ears and one mouth, make sure you use it appropriately. Of course, this statement had many uses and sometimes ulterior motives behind it. Regardless, the statement is very useful to our society and most of the times, it is ignored.

Listening is something that we barely practice any more in our culture. While you may think that sounds dramatic and a little harsh, take a moment and ponder the following scenarios.

• You're chatting with a coworker and thinking about all the many projects you have to complete that day. While your coworker may be interesting to listen to and talking about subjects you are interested in, your mind is anywhere but on the conversation at hand. Are you truly listening to what your coworker says?

• One day you meet someone you know on the street that you haven't seen for some time and both of you are happy for the surprise encounter. However, you are busy and late for an appointment. So instead of just exchanging contact information and being honest with your friend that you have no time, you anxiously stand there, checking the time and hoping your friend will just be quiet. After all, you wouldn't want to show a lack of respect to your friendship. The entire time that your friend is talking, are you really listening to them?

• You have a meeting with a client and since you prepared for the meeting, you have the best interest of your client in mind as you want to share the best course of action for their life or business. They come in and are ready to tell you that something truly remarkable has happened in their life and brought them to a realization. As they begin to share this, you interrupt them to announce your wonderful findings that will truly change their life. All the while of doing this, you are busy talking to them but are you listening?

• Your significant other has just gotten home from a full day at their place of employment and while they are trying to share something important that happened to you, you attempt to patiently wait for them finish. The moment they stop talking or pause for a moment, you rush in to tell them about your day or some event. Are you truly listening?

• While driving on the road through town after picking up your child from school, they are spending that quality time talking with you. In those moments, a coworker or your boss calls you and you pick up the phone chatting to the person on the phone as your child continues to talk. Are you really listening to either person?

• Maybe your partner or spouse is telling you about some scenario that is important to them but you've heard the same basic story a million times it seems. So while this may be very critical to understanding something in their life, you are bored and so you try to politely oblige them but hoping that they hurry up and finish this darn story. Are you truly listening?

• Someone you know quite well and spend a lot of time with is telling you something that is impacting their life. You feel that you've heard this scenario a million times by them or someone else and so immediately the conclusion is known to you. With or without letting them finish their thought, you are giving your conclusion because you feel it is more about what they need to hear rather than what they need to say. Are you truly listening?

Once again, I'll state very clearly. God gave us two ears and one mouth. We should use them in an appropriate proportion. And yet, we often are guilty of using two mouths and one ear when communicating with others. Some of the examples I just give you could fit 90% or more of the population at any given time on any give day.

Some days, someone that is close to us just needs us to listen. They really don't need any advice or what we think is the best course of action for them. They don't need us to give our judgment from all our years of experience. They don't need for us to tell them what is right or wrong about what we are saying. All they need is for us to listen, without preoccupation, judgment, conclusions or our minds drifting to a million other places. They just need us to be there in the moment, with them and them alone, thinking of nothing else. Often the best help we can give someone is just to be there for them, holding the space and listening with compassion.

More often than not, people around us know what needs to be done. Sometimes it is very hard for them to have the confidence to accept it and take action. Sometimes these people are processing so many things in their mind as they drone on to you about some scenario in their life. To you, it may seem unconnected or a waste of your time, but to the person talking, it is more valuable than all the gold in the world. There may be many unconscious neural connections taking place as they talk.

When we listen to others, we truly are communicating with them and giving of ourselves in one of the most pure human forms. We are saying to that person whether it is our spouse, partner, child, client or prospect, that you are important to me and what you are saying is important. You are giving the other person the respect that your relationship needs. Just imagine how that feels to them or yourself if you are in their shoes?

It has often been said that one of the best qualities of a therapist or counselor is how well they listen to people. Listening makes all the difference in their clients feeling valuable,cared for and safe. I know in my own life, that true listening by therapists or people I know has helped me beyond anything I could describe in words. Some of those individuals most likely didn't know just how much they were helping me in the moment and yet those listening moments changed my life in dramatic ways.

I urge you to take a moment and just consider how much you listen to others around you. Are you busy talking on the phone or texting someone when someone significant is trying to talk to you? Are you going through the motions and appearing as if you listen but you truly are not? Is your mind drifting off to a million places or thinking about all the tasks you need to accomplish instead of listening to the person talking? Is your mind thinking up the next thing you will say so that the person will see you as significant and intelligent, when all they want is someone to listen?

Don't take my word for it on how poorly we listen in this world. Look around yourself and you'll see several examples of this. From the news pundits and politicians, to the companies advertising their products or to the boss and employee relationship. You most likely will also see examples of it in doctor/patient relationships, the spouse/partner relationship and family situations. It is everywhere around us and if we observe it, we will see it.

Take it one step further though when you have observed all that is going on around you and see just how you mimic or do some of the same things that you observe. For the more you know about what you do, the more empowered you are to change your life. Wouldn't it be a beautiful world if everyone truly listened as much as they talked?

May we all continue to remember that we have two ears and one mouth.