The Audacity

While this blog is about much more than child molestation, it is very hard for me to sit by and not say something. I was abused by two people in my life, who to this day have never acknowledged it and in fact have done almost everything in their power to silence me. I'm still standing! They have not silenced me and they will never silence me.

When I just read the story of the Catholic Bishop in Connecticut on CNN.com, I became furious with the Catholic organization. The Bishop is quoted in a letter to parishioners stating the following:

The "legislation would undermine the mission of the Catholic Church in Connecticut, threatening our parishes, our schools, and our Catholic Charities," the letter says.

So let me ask anyone who is reading this: Is the church not there to bring love, peace and goodwill to all men? Are they not there to protect our children, as Jesus stated in the bible? Are these Church officials nothing more than a bunch of crime thugs trying to skirt the laws and protections of our land at our expense?

You may say I'm being too harsh and this has no place on this blog, but I know a countless number of survivors who it does matter to, and who have had to deal with a nightmare all their life. It has kept far too many from finding joy and peace in their lives, because of the living hell they go through on a daily basis. It has claimed the lives of too many because they were too afraid to fight and to stand up and break the silence. That is why I'm angry. That is why I'm furious with the Catholic Church.

Yes, I know it doesn't stop with the Catholic Church. There are other religious organizations just as bad, but so far, they've gotten away with what they have done. In time, it will come out. And anyone who supports the atrocities taking place in the Catholic church is beyond my comprehension. I understand you have your faith and your commitment. I respect that. However, if money is continued to be given to these organizations that support child abuse, then is it just the leadership of the church that is guilty?

I'm really bewildered that a Bishop would put out such a letter and I can only hope that the legislators in Connecticut do the right thing and stand up for what they believe. If there ever is a time for people to stand up and be accounted for, this is it. I hope that all people in Connecticut contact their legislators, and beg them to support the legislation. The victims of child abuse need this and deserve this. There have been far too many wounds inflicted upon the human mind, body, spirit, and our society to let this be swept under the rug again.

This is why I continue to speak out. This is why I stand up with others who have been abused to break the silence. It is hard enough for victims of child abuse to learn how to function on a daily basis, and the last thing they need is for the church to have their way in silencing them. It is a sad testament to this religious organization, and it must stop.


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Abuse In Religion

Interesting report by Anderson Cooper about Scientology (See video below). While we in no way can tell who is telling the truth and who is lying, religious institutions try to silence the messengers. They are very effective at this. Unfortunately, too many followers of religions willingly go along with this which is very sad.

Just like in the Catholic church where sex abuse by the hands of these priests and cover ups by the Pope is coming to light, many church denominations have members who harm children and others. The Catholic church is leading the pack right now in this but it isn't just them.

Our family was part of the fundamentalist sect of Baptist Churches (GARBC - General Association of Regular Baptist Churches) while growing up. This sect was so strict that one could not go to a high school dance, or to a restaurant that served alcohol or even sit closer than 6 inches to someone of the opposite sex. They were always preaching that if you did anything that would cause someone else to stumble, you were responsible for what that person did. They would not even allow boys and girls to swim together and when you went swimming, you almost had to wear a three piece suit. You had to wear swim wear that was not revealing along with a tshirt and until you got into the water, you had to wrap your legs with a towell. This is just some of the things that they practiced and preached. I could go on for a long time about this sect of Churches. The environment in this Church fostered the ability for things to happen to me. To much was done in the name of God's Love that has haunted me for years.

I still remember my father coming back home from a Lowell Lundstrom seminar where he supposedly asked if masturbation was wrong or right. This of course is what he told me that he asked at a marriage seminar put on by the Lundstroms. When he got back home, he of course enjoyed speaking about it with me as a very young boy. While it was disguised as "educational", it was nothing of the sort because it was a way for my father to get his jollies. I don't blame Lowell Lundstrom of course but my father used religious methods and places to further his sick practices. While I'm sure this doesn't sound nice to hear, it is part of what I experienced.

So when I see these places like the Catholic Church or Scientology or others stand up and act as if they are being victimized by the accusers, I really want to go and see if they have any functioning brain cells. How many child molesters and abusers do you know have actually owned up to what they did? Probably the number is very low. Yet, these child molesters and abusers twist the facts and turn the accusations back on the accusers. That is what they are good at. That is how they control and manipulate their victims. This is normal operating mode for these people. In fact, I would be surprised if they did anything different.

However, just because the perps try to distort the facts and twist things around, it doesn't mean that they are correct. It is very difficult to come out as a victim on any of these things and often takes years of work to get to the point where someone is able to do that. Victims don't easily speak out because of the shame, guilt and because they were taught to stay silent. That is how these religious organizations get away with all they do.

It is a poison that is feeding on our society and our world. The body and the mind of the child was not meant to experience or endure these things. If we don't work to stop these things and expose all that is going on, than we are just as responsible for what happened. To stay silent and not protect others is not human. If we don't wake up in our world and our society before it is to late, than we will have brought a generation of darkness upon the earth.

This report by Anderson Cooper is very good and valid. I'm glad he is doing it and I applaud his courage in shining the light of truth on organizations that are excellent at silencing people. In case the video does not show, here is the link to Anderson Cooper's report on Scientology.

*For more articles, check out the Mind Body Thoughts Blog

The Silent Treatment

iTunes Podcast Version

Silence can be golden but silence can also be one of the main weapons in the arsenal of an abuser. Time and time again, I read so many stories of people who were silenced in their families to keep the dirty secrets of abuse hidden from the outside world. It is a cunning and crafty weapon full of evil that happens without the blink of an eye or the initiation of a thought.

Many times, those outside the realm of abuse struggle to understand why a victim stays silent. What seems as opportunities for a victim to speak up or to to flee or to ask for help is nothing more than a fantasy land for the victim. In addition to the trauma that has been imposed upon the victim from day one, there is the fear of what will happen if they do and there is the altered reality of what seems normal to a victim and what does not. Through trauma, the biology and physiology of a person is changed and so things that may look like normal reality to most, will not look the same to the person who has gone through this. It is two different realities and both have the feeling of it being normal.

Most abuse occurs right before people's eyes and it often goes unnoticed. Much of the reason that this occurs outside of the fear and shame that is present, is that the abuser is able to silence the victim. The victim may often not be aware this is going on and by the time they are, the patterns have been so ingrained that to change this, is nothing short of rock climbing up the tallest mountain.

In many homes where religion is practiced in some form, the church and its teachings play into the silencing of the victims. For it is taught many times that children must be seen and not heard as well as they must obey their parents. In many churches, obeying the parents also translates into obeying a priest, minister, pope or some other figure. These basic things are taught from our own early years and so they become a way of normal reality and of life instead of something that should be questioned.

A child looks up to their parents when they are born. In the early years of life, the parent is the provider of everything to that child. The parent is the sole authority and if the abuser is a parent, than the silencing plays into normal development but it is anything but normal for the child. In the hands of the wrong person, an adult can manipulate a child through silence into doing things or being a part of things that otherwise the child would not do. Children are naturally curious as well and so if they are offered something that is unknown to them in safety of silence, many children would gravitate towards it. When adults abuse this basic innocence and curiosity in a child, they forfeit their ability to be human.

Often silencing is done through threats. Threats can be anything from "you might break up the family if you say anything" to "others will just not understand". It may be more dramatic in that if you say anything, something terrible might happen to your brother, sister, pet, your sacred belongings, home or other parent. The ways to silence a child are limited only by the imagination and creativity at the evil hands of the abuser.

I speak from my own experience in all of this because there are things that I'm just now finding out which happened in the family and I did not know. Here I lived in the same family and still did not know. That is mind boggling to me. Unfortunately, this is often the case in most families and most situations where children are being victimized.

Look at what has happened in the Catholic Church with the sex abuse cases involving the priests. Much of this went on for years often unnoticed by the parents or other adults. It isn't only the Catholic Church that has this going on either. Most churches have something that is hidden deep from view and most likely hidden from the people who go there. For me, I was abused in the bathroom of a church basement while the church service was going on overhead. If anyone knew about it, no one ever spoke up or acknowledged it. I doubt that most of the congregation even knew what was happening below them as they worshiped God that Sunday morning.

My family was very adept at hiding all that was going on. Most people were shocked and horrified when they found out I was being molested on a daily basis. To them, we had the ideal family with the well behaved children who always minded their parents. It looked like we were the perfect family to those around us and not even teachers in school suspected anything. If they did, they remained silent.

While we all want to gasp at the news of someone who has been exposed from abusing a child, the child abusers and molesters aren't out in some unknown place. It usually happens right in our own neighborhoods, schools, churches and communities. Most children that have been abused know who their abusers are. The unknown sex offenders do strike but most are known to the child. Think about that for a moment! So do not think for a moment that you are far removed from this horrible, deep, silent secret running through our society. It is everywhere and it is much more prevalent than anyone wants to admit.

A little bit about my own story in how I was silenced. My abuser was good at putting the fear of God and the fear of everything else into me. As an early child, I was separated from my parents because of illness. While I was too young to really remember this, I can feel the affects of it still in my life. What young child wants to be separated from their family and the fear of that is enough to make any child do what is asked of them. On top of that, you add some violence deeply rooted in anger and the fear of being separated is reinforced a hundred fold. So when things were done to me and backed up by the violence, the fear and being told that if I ever said anything, I would be splitting the family up; my choice at that early age was to go along with what was being done. I was too young at that time to make a rational choice and by the time I was old enough to truly understand what was going on, it had become a way of life.

In my family, silence was furthered by giving the "silent treatment" to those in the family that did not obey the rules or who chose to speak up and attempted to stand up. The silent treatment was meant to bring you back in line in no uncertain terms and if that didn't work, corrective methods progressed. The silent treatment may have been done for much lessor infractions as well or things that would appear to most people to not even matter in life. In my family, one could be beaten for putting silverware away wrong in a drawer or given the silent treatment for days and months because there was some misunderstanding. I saw these things time and time again and to this day, they still haunt me.

Many years ago, I created an online survivor site for victims of child abuse called "breaking the silence". I was so tired of being silenced all my life and living in fear that I knew it was time for me to speak up and to speak out. No longer was I going to live by the rules of the family where these horrible and despicable acts had taken place by my abusers. That was their shredded sense of humanity, love and life but it was no longer going to be mine. Since this time, I have slowly learned how to speak up for myself, to bring to light all that happened and to say once and for all from the highest mountains on the earth - I will not be silenced anymore! I gave up too many years of my life already in being silent and no longer will I be manipulated by anyone in this regards.

If you are reading this and it resonates with you, please accept my hug of support to you. I know how difficult it is. I was the child who sat off by himself not able to do first grade math. I was the child who tried to please everyone so as to not potentially upset anyone and drive them away. I was the child who put the happy face on when I left our house each day so that no one would know the secrets I buried each day within myself. I was the child who was hurting inside and no one either noticed or was too afraid to step up and help me. And if you're reading this and connecting to it, please know that you're not alone.

For me silence took another drastic step in my life. Part of this is what I did to protect myself but part of it is what my family further inflicted on me. One of the hardest things I had to do in my life was remove myself from the family. The incessant weekly letters ripping me to shreds resulted in having anxiety attacks just walking to my mailbox. At one point, I could take this no more and asked a friend to read the letters but only let me know if there was something I needed to know. Otherwise, I didn't want to see them. It was the beginning for me to start saying, enough is enough. While I remained silent for the most part with them except for occasional letters I would write, the silent treatment began in earnest. The things that happened were beyond belief. And in the years ahead, the silence between us grew to the point of absolutely no communication. At the time, it was excruciating to me to deal with this and to have no contact but it was necessary for my survival. The lengths that they went to in giving me the silent treatment would blow anyone's mind.

Now I view any communication with my family in a much different way. I have created a life for myself and with people who I love and trust. I don't need my family in the same unhealthy way that I once did. While I would love to have a normal relationship with them, I'm not sure if that will happen any time soon or even in my lifetime. I am ok with that because I know that I will never allow myself to be silenced again and the silent treatment holds no power over me. I'm moving beyond that part of my life.

If you have been given the silent treatment, I would love to hear your story so please feel free to write me or leave a comment. If you know of some child that may fit this scenario, see if you can find a way to help that child. Don't let them continue to be in the abusive situation because you are afraid to rock the boat. A child in an abusive situation often has no one to stand up for them. I wish someone would have come along and somehow rescued me or stood up for me. I wish someone could have helped me break the silence in my life.

*For more articles, check out the Mind Body Thoughts Blog