We Impose Limitations Upon Ourselves

Our fear of making mistakes, our belief that we have no talent, and our comparisons with others all keep us from engaging any creative activity, and they do so without our realizing that the terms of engagement are ours to impose. - On Becoming An Artist by Ellen Langer, Pg 210

How many times do we sit there and wish we could do something about our situation only to draw the conclusion that there are a hundred zillion reasons why this cannot happen? Have you ever done this? I'm sure if you are like most other humans, you probably have at some point in your life. Yet, do we even notice that we do this or has it just become common place for us?

When we were born, we were given all the tools we needed to do whatever it is that our lives were meant to do. With time and through the influence of our caregivers, we began to doubt many of these abilities. As we carried on in life, we began to let these limitations build up on one another, preventing us from living our full potential in life.

Many times we go through our day, not even aware that we are placing these limits on ourselves. It can be through self talk, or even the activities that we allow ourselves to participate in. It could be in the choices we make that keeps us extremely busy from morning to night so that we inadvertently limit our choices of what we really want to do. Sometimes these things that limit us are beyond our visible comprehension and even if someone points it out to us, we do not have the frame of reference to fully understand that which we cannot see.

My challenge to each person reading this and to myself is that we begin to become acquainted with all the limitations we put on ourselves. Once we become aware of them, than it is up to us to choose to let these limitations go and embrace something greater within ourselves.

Our Language Limits Our Control

"Language has the interesting property of being able to increase and decrease our perceptions of control. We aren't very aware of how language limits our control." - Ellen Langer, On Becoming An Artist (Page 205).

All too often, our mouths are engaged at a high rate of speed as we fail to stop and listen to what is either being said to us or what we are saying to others. My mother used to have a good saying that we have two ears and one mouth. We should use them appropriately. Yet, as humans, we feel it is our necessity and our right to expound to everyone what we think the situation should be of whatever we are addressing. We fail to stop and consider all facets of the equation.

The internet has brought us further into the deep recesses of communication that is not helping to advance the cause of humanity. For it is too easy for people to just read something the screen and begin typing a response without even taking a moment to think about it. If you don't follow me, just take any news article posted on the internet and see the comments that immediately follow. It doesn't take but a minute to begin seeing the behavior I am talking about. And how many times do we do this in our own lives? We may feel proud that we do not do the same as others do in this regards but I'll be willing to bet that at some point during your day, you do the same through emails or other ways. Regardless if you agree or disagree, try to monitor a day in your life and see just how much this rings true. If you have to, monitor it for a week.

The one thing I find so disturbing in our world and culture is that everyone feels their opinion and view is valid no matter what. They will defend that to the end. It is great to have beliefs and view points and to state these but so many times, we just need to stop and listen. Imagine for a moment, that the news stations with all the talking pundits would go silent? How would that change our day, our lives and our world, or would it? Have you ever stopped to consider just how much these talking pundits (regardless of political beliefs) are influencing each person's life through a medium that has us mindlessly engaged rather than mindfully engaged? Think about that for a minute and see if you can connect with it.

Our language is powerful. We have so many inflections for the same word in our language. How we use those words can either better us as individuals and as a culture, or it can continue to degrade us into the depths we are traveling towards. It is our choice of course in what direction we choose to travel. Yet, our choice impacts the greater good of humanity it ways that seem so insignificant.

May our words bring about the highest good for everyone we meet, including ourselves.

Mindless Humans

Often in our day, we have so many influences that determine the course of our actions, our thoughts, our consciousness and in general just how we view our day. Yet, we fail to see the totality of these individual events as they dramatically impact our lives. We often see them as unconnected events without any significance to the higher purpose of our self or of the universe as a whole.

What events am I referring to? These events are the moments in our every day existence that we barely notice yet they account for the many tasks we do. They are things we have to do in order to take care of ourselves or family members in any given day. It may be a job that we go to, running our kids to daycare or after school events or dealing with a myriad of mundane tasks. Yes, all these tasks are important and critical to our lives. For if we stopped doing them, there would be serious repercussions for us. Even watching TV shows and news, while appearing to inform or entertain you, may actually result in you being disconnected and not conscious or mindful.

So if these mundane tasks are important than what is your point? When was the last time, you walked out the door in the morning and just listened to the birds sing with joy? When was the last time you went to lunch in your day and stopped to pause for a moment to feel the sun hitting on your face giving you a warmth and energy that felt so invigorating? When was the last time, while taking your child to daycare or an activity that you truly listened to what they were saying and not just thinking about all the things you needed to get done? When was the last time, you just stopped for a moment and noticed your breath and your body and just how good it felt to do that?

We all have our mundane tasks in sometimes our mundane life that we have to do. That is a fact of life unless you are a lottery winner and can pick and choose everything you do in life. However, even people who are wealthy have mundane tasks that they must do. All of us have to get out of bed at some point during the day and eat, groom ourselves and do whatever it is that we feel is important. No matter how fortunate or wealthy we are, these things are a given for our day. Since we can't escape these normal tasks, can we not enjoy them in a mindful way?

As stated by Ellen Langer in her book, On Becoming an Artist: Reinventing Yourself Through Mindful Creativity (page 11), "In many small ways we have learned to become mindless without questioning why we do so.". This is a powerful statement and is what I'm referring to as I talk about being mindless during our mundane tasks that we do each day. We all do it, no matter who we are or how advanced we are. Some people are better than others at bringing mindfulness into their days instead of just being mindless.

So what can we do? One of the things that each of us can do is just taking a moment out of our day and being with ourselves. We can do this by spending a few moments (30 seconds would be enough for this exercise) and noticing our breath. Feeling the rise and fall of our breath, how shallow or deep it is and even how rapid or slow it is will connect us to our breath. By connecting to our breath, we will connect our mind with our body and if you stay with this exercise for a few moments, you'll begin to feel the effects of it on your body in how centered you feel, how at home you feel and even the tension within yourself. You need not pay anyone for an experience like this because you can do it with yourself at any time of the day or night. It is simple but effective. Eckhart Tolle in his book discussions with Oprah Winfrey on A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life's Purpose (Oprah's Book Club, Selection 61) did a very powerful example of this. He just had everyone sit there for 30 seconds wherever they were at and focus on their breath. It was an amazing experience for many and I once again saw the power of something that was this simple.

Another simple thing we can do is when we are walking out the door in the morning, just stop and listen to all that we can hear. Some of you may have many noises such as cars and city sounds but see if you can listen beyond that. How many different birds do you hear singing? How fast are the chirps coming from the birds? Is the wind rustling through the leaves of the trees and how does that sound? You may hear a dog barking in the background or a cat meowing. What other sounds do you pick up?

If sounds do not work for you, try picking up on the colors you see as you walk out of your house. Can you notice the different colors of the landscape around your house or your neighbors? What if you look at the trees and see all the colors on the tree? How many different colors are there and how many different shades of the color green can you see? I'm only scratching the surface with all that you can see because the same things can be applied if you just look at the sky and clouds.

There are many ways you can be mindful in your day including feeling the warmth of the sun as you step out of a building or staring at the clouds and creating cloud images in your mind. You could even take a moment when you're in the shower and feel the sensation of the hot or cold water on your skin. Giving yourself plenty of time to eat so that you can actually taste and enjoy your food without having your daily tasks flooding your conscious mind. These are a few examples and if you practice being mindful instead of mindless, you'll find many more.

Please don't stop here thinking this is all that mindfulness is for it is much more than that. Try to take all that you pick up in these exercises and see how it makes you feel within your body. Do you get a warm glow or tingle? Do you feel goosebumps on your skin? Do you feel your body sink down into a state of relaxation? Do you sense your breath slowing down and becoming fuller?

There are so many ways that we can be impacted by becoming mindful and when you feel it in your body, you have truly crossed over from being a mindless human to being mindful of your life, your day and your moments. At this point, life will be much more rewarding and abundant for you while becoming more conscious.

Fearing The Process, We Lose The Experience

"Fearing the process, we lose the experience of the journey."

When I was paralyzed in the hospital, they took me to physical therapy. While I still firmly believe and see the connection between taking the first step and beginning to talk about the things in my past, there was more than this. Even though I knew how to walk and I had been doing it every day for 26 years of my life, the last memory before entering the hospital was that to stand and attempt to walk, meant my body was going to fall down to the floor in pain. Imagine this for a moment if you can that even though there is nothing wrong with the muscles in your legs and even though you know how to walk, the fears of the experience were greater.

In many ways, my life has mimicked the paralysis because for me, the paralysis was the fear of moving forward in my own process and journey. Even if we know or do not know what the next steps are or what things we will encounter, all we have to do is show up and offer ourselves to the process. It is not about knowing and having everything we need in that moment but giving ourselves to the creation and progression of what lies ahead. Knowing the process before we begin robs us of all that the process involves.

Just as it was difficult in the hospital to walk again, sometimes our journey and process are difficult as well. For when I was in physical therapy trying to walk again, I did not walk ten feet or even a foot. At first, it began with very small movements with my legs and some exercise. Then it progressed to where they put me on the walking bars and with every ounce of limited strength I had, I dragged myself along trying to get my feet to walk and move as they were designed. Yes, it was frustrating and yes, I was angered that I could not do something which seemed to obvious to most people. With each day, I would take one little step, than another. As days progressed, I began to walk from my hospital bed to the bathroom so I could sit down and take a shower. Soon I was walking to the hallway in the hospital from my hospital bed and finally down the hallway. There were many difficult moments through all of this and the little things we all take for granted were mountains that I had to climb. It was all part of my process and my journey.

Today, I was reading Ellen Langer's book, On Becoming An Artist - Reinventing Yourself Through Mindful Creativity and on page 153 she writes,

"Our problem is that we think we should know without that which only firsthand experience can teach us. And this negative expectation leads us to shun activities that we would find satisfying if only we gave them a fair try.

Just think - what if I had said "I'm too afraid to walk because I might fall again and it might hurt when my body hits the ground"? For that message had been clearly conveyed to me or if I may say, that fear had been ingrained into me. At that moment in my life, I had no clue how I was ever going to walk again or if I ever would. It seemed like something impossible and if I would have not tried, I would still be laying in a hospital bed or being pushed around in a wheel chair. It was my desire to not accept my circumstances and look beyond my fears that help get me to walk once again.

Once again in my life, I am confronted with the fears that hold me back. While I completely understand the concepts I just wrote about, the fears attempt to over take me. In fact, they have done a pretty good job of controlling my life and robbing me of experiences. I'm not content with where my life is at this moment nor am I willing to go through the continued conflict that haunts me every day. With that in mind, here is what I wrote in my morning time of meditation that spoke to me. My hope is that it will speak to whoever is reading this and it will help lift you into the fears instead of being pushed down by them.

Can I show up? - Yes, I can!
Can I bring myself (to the task I am trying to do)? - Yes, I can!
Can I bring my experiences? - Yes, I can!
Can I bring my heart (to the task I am trying to do)? - Yes, I can!
Can I offer myself to others? - Yes, I can!

Then:

I offer myself with all my fears, insecurities and my heart. If I show up shaking and trembling in fear, let that be my experience. If I show up not shaking and trembling in fear, than let that be my experience. For both are part of my process, my journey as I step out in a leap of faith.

Thinking Outside The Box

We are taught to think inside the box.
Then we are taught to think outside the box.
What I want to ask is,
Who put the box there?

pg. 101, On Becoming An Artist by Ellen Langer

I'm In Denial

I see ten horses running at full gallop toward us. I'm pleased they are coming to say hello, but everyone else runs for cover. They claim I'm in denial; I compare myself with them and wonder what is wrong with me. Alternatively, they stay and I run, and we all understand I'm a coward. If our experience has led us to think the horses would hurt us, running is sensible. If our experience has led us to think horses are friendly, we stay to greet them. Some of us have learned one, some the other, and so we behave differently. By presuming my behavior doesn't make sense, you don't get to learn that horses may be friendly. - pg 57, On Becoming An Artist by Ellen Langer

A special thank you to Marilyn Brown for the photo of the horses!

You're Not Talented

"It is usually when we are young that we learn to think we are not talented; we are told so by teachers, parents, and other adults. Inevitably, their evaluations are firmly tied to contexts - to particular schools of thought in particular periods of time - although they are typically unaware of it. We accept their evaluations because we are inexperienced: we don't realize that the contexts in which we are being judged really say little about our talent."

Pg 46, On Becoming An Artist - by Ellen Langer

I know I keep quoting this book but have you ever read one of those books that was just the right book at the right time and everything in it was what you needed to hear? Ok, that's how this book is for me. So, if you're tired of reading about this book, please forgive me! It is just having a big impact on my life at the moment. For that, I won't apologize.

When I read this quoted section of the book that I stated above, it fit me to a T! All my life, I was told how much I didn't know and how many mistakes I made and how I didn't fit in and how I really didn't know what was best for me. These things and more were reinforced through fits of rage, screaming, moments of beatings and just an overall mindset of daily mind control that was exerted upon me. Some of the things were very subtle and some of them could be easily recognized. Many had a role in this from my own parents and siblings to the teachers at school and those that I knew from church.

While I don't remember the exact specifics, I do remember being in first grade and not being able to do first grade math. None of it was sinking into me at the time and I remember my dad making me go through flash card after flash card of first grade math facts that we had to learn. He probably meant well, but when I would get one wrong, he would scream and belittle me. Of course that was during the time that I was first raped and things were pretty horrible in my life. So, it is no wonder that learning was difficult. The ultimate result was that I was held back from First Grade and put back into Kindergarten. I somewhat remember the knots in my stomach during that time and I'm sure my mind and body remembers more than I do consciously.

There were other times though I was put down and I distinctively remember when I was just creating with the songs that I was playing in the piano. I was allowing myself to hit whatever keys my fingers landed on. At the time, some were good notes and some weren't but I was just in the moment playing. Overall, the little tune that came out was pretty good but I remember hearing my dad state to me that there were sure a lot of mistakes in that song, what was the song? This coming from a man that had no musical ability whatsoever but in this moment, he had pronounced himself as judge, jury and executioner. It took me a very long time before anyone else ever got to hear me create in the moment.

We've all got stories that may be similar or different to mine. I could name thousands of them. I doubt any one of us could escape this type of behavior even if the adults around us were well intentioned. I'm sure we have passed the same thing on to others at moment we didn't realize it as well.

The best thing I find is to learn how to allow myself to be a kid again. Some people refer to this as getting in touch with the inner child. But, in simplest form, it is just connecting with that pure, innocent, child like part of yourself that exists in all of us. Freud recognized this back in his day and it is there, whether we want to acknowledge its existence or not. It doesn't mean we have to sit down on the floor and play with toy cars or dolls, although that could be a good start to the child connection within us. It can be much simpler than that.

If we go through our day, enjoying and loving everything we do - we are like the child that is having fun playing in the moment. If you have forgotten what that is, just watch some children playing and you'll soon remember. For they play as if there is no tomorrow, no rules and nothing else that has to be done. This is something I constantly have to remind myself of as well. For being in the moment, enjoying the moment and acting as if there is nothing else in our lives can bring us back to the basic, simple moment that matters so much in who we are as humans. It isn't any harder than that, although we as adults make it hard.

So for today, as you read this, see if you can find the fun moments in your day.

Enjoy your day. Have fun with it! Find the playful side of it. Think of the things you have to do as playful and fun events of your day. - Don Shetterly