Conversion Disorder Healing, Part 4

Note:  This is part 4 of a 4 part series.  Read Part 3, first.

In many ways, the shaking and trembling is healing to most but for me it is like being re-traumatized again.  It is a connection to the fear, rather than an empowerment from the fear.  It is a handshake with the unimaginable, rather than the hope of freedom. 

All my life, I have encountered situations that were more than most people could endure.  I’ve tried to fight the good fight but when you are up against overwhelming odds, the strength in you is like a ghost hiding in the dark.  I question how all of this will come together for me and I am at a moment currently where I am resting from all of it.  It became too difficult to continue and my body and mind just need rest. 

Conversion Disorder Healing, Part 3

Note:  This is part 3 of a 4 part series.  Read Part 2, first.

As I write this, I feel the room becoming very warm, the fear rising up within me and it is extremely difficult to write these words.  The emotional charge that goes with them is very intense even after all these years.  It is time for a break.  I’ll be back soon.

For me though, the shaking and trembling seems to happen easily and like it is on cue from the conductor.  My body and mind check out easily though and by that I mean I can be physically present with all that is going on, experience the shaking and trembling and fear, but not be present in my mind.  I do this well and I have done this all my life.  It became my escape mechanism when the horrible trauma was taking place and it is now my coping mechanism.

Conversion Disorder Healing, Part 2

Note:  This is part 2 of a 4 part series.  Read Part 1, first.

It was not that long ago that I found a video on YouTube of someone who was suffering through a conversion disorder.  When I saw that video, I immediately began to cry.  I wasn’t crying for the girl in the video as much as I was crying for myself.  For this video instantly brought up within me, a connection to these horrendous moments of fear, I faced many years ago.  It was a connection to my body and mind of the trauma that I was dealing with from my past as well as these specific moments of early days of paralysis.

To this moment, I cannot even think about the video without tears welling up in my eyes.  It is such a strong connection for me because if you have been through this, you will understand completely.  There is no moment of peace for someone enduring this condition and there is no one that can tell you when these moments will stop.  You are sailing in a big vast ocean all alone on a small life raft and getting tossed and turned in every way possible.

Conversion Disorder Healing, Part 1

Note:  This is part 1 of a 4 part series.

Shake, rattle and roll is good if you’re on a dance floor, but when it is everyday life, you might have a different perspective.  Several years ago, I went through a horrible experience called a conversion disorder.  A conversion disorder is when you convert stress and/or trauma in your life into your mind and body.  Conversion disorders generally affect your movement or senses and can cause paralysis.

In the early stages of my experience, the doctors did not know what to do with me.  One thought it was Multiple Sclerosis and another doctor put me on some steroidal medication that caused some horrific reactions.  Others were so confused that they would order test after test, only to send me home as there were no conclusive results.  It didn’t matter that I could not take care of my basic needs or get around my apartment and function in a normal manner.

Symptoms Of Fear

While this is not an exhaustive list of what you may see or experience with the emotion of fear, it includes many symptoms. Fear of course shows up in different ways for different people based upon their own life experiences and the current stimuli they are facing. Some people may be more aggressive and others may be paralyzed from the fear.

For me, fear often paralyzes and immobilizes me. In fact at one time, I was completely paralyzed by fear. The condition of course is termed a "conversion disorder" or hysterical paralysis. When I get very stressed and the fears get high, one of the things I quickly notice is that my legs become difficult to move and feel as if I am dragging around lead weights.

Fear is part of the sympathetic nervous system which plays a major role in the fight or flight response. Hopefully after the fear has passed, our bodies return to a more restful and relaxed state through the parasympathetic nervous system.

Please feel free to leave a comment with other signs of fear that I may have missed and I will edit this post to include them.

Physical Signs Of Fear
- Wide Eyes
- Raised Eyebrows
- Flared Nostrils
- Clenched Mouth
- Larger personal space
- Slouching or hunching to minimize their exposure
- Taller or squared shoulders as in an aggressive response
- Feet may be pointed to locate a way out of the situation
- Crossed arms and hands
- Drumming of fingers
- Fidgeting
- Rapid Breathing
- Shaking or tapping legs
- Breathing more rapid and shallow
- Increase in blood pressure
- Increase in pulse rate
- Dilated Pupils
- Dry Mouth
- Body hair standing on end
- Tense and energized muscles
- Increased perspiration
- Digestive and Immune systems slow down
- Trembling and shaking
- Peristalsis reduced
- Increased glycogen to glucose conversion
- Norepinephrine and epinephrine secreted
- Sweaty Palms
- Nervous Ticks
- Increase in thoughts and Mind Racing
- Screaming, yelling or inability to do these things
- Immobility or paralysis
- Hives or skin rashes, skin conditions

I lived in fear all my life that if I spoke about these things, someone would come after me. I still deal with the fear, but I am coming to a point in my life where I will not be silenced any longer. 
Hope And Possibility Through Trauma by Don Shetterly

*For more articles, check out the Mind Body Thoughts Blog

Fearing The Process, We Lose The Experience

"Fearing the process, we lose the experience of the journey."

When I was paralyzed in the hospital, they took me to physical therapy. While I still firmly believe and see the connection between taking the first step and beginning to talk about the things in my past, there was more than this. Even though I knew how to walk and I had been doing it every day for 26 years of my life, the last memory before entering the hospital was that to stand and attempt to walk, meant my body was going to fall down to the floor in pain. Imagine this for a moment if you can that even though there is nothing wrong with the muscles in your legs and even though you know how to walk, the fears of the experience were greater.

In many ways, my life has mimicked the paralysis because for me, the paralysis was the fear of moving forward in my own process and journey. Even if we know or do not know what the next steps are or what things we will encounter, all we have to do is show up and offer ourselves to the process. It is not about knowing and having everything we need in that moment but giving ourselves to the creation and progression of what lies ahead. Knowing the process before we begin robs us of all that the process involves.

Just as it was difficult in the hospital to walk again, sometimes our journey and process are difficult as well. For when I was in physical therapy trying to walk again, I did not walk ten feet or even a foot. At first, it began with very small movements with my legs and some exercise. Then it progressed to where they put me on the walking bars and with every ounce of limited strength I had, I dragged myself along trying to get my feet to walk and move as they were designed. Yes, it was frustrating and yes, I was angered that I could not do something which seemed to obvious to most people. With each day, I would take one little step, than another. As days progressed, I began to walk from my hospital bed to the bathroom so I could sit down and take a shower. Soon I was walking to the hallway in the hospital from my hospital bed and finally down the hallway. There were many difficult moments through all of this and the little things we all take for granted were mountains that I had to climb. It was all part of my process and my journey.

Today, I was reading Ellen Langer's book, On Becoming An Artist - Reinventing Yourself Through Mindful Creativity and on page 153 she writes,

"Our problem is that we think we should know without that which only firsthand experience can teach us. And this negative expectation leads us to shun activities that we would find satisfying if only we gave them a fair try.

Just think - what if I had said "I'm too afraid to walk because I might fall again and it might hurt when my body hits the ground"? For that message had been clearly conveyed to me or if I may say, that fear had been ingrained into me. At that moment in my life, I had no clue how I was ever going to walk again or if I ever would. It seemed like something impossible and if I would have not tried, I would still be laying in a hospital bed or being pushed around in a wheel chair. It was my desire to not accept my circumstances and look beyond my fears that help get me to walk once again.

Once again in my life, I am confronted with the fears that hold me back. While I completely understand the concepts I just wrote about, the fears attempt to over take me. In fact, they have done a pretty good job of controlling my life and robbing me of experiences. I'm not content with where my life is at this moment nor am I willing to go through the continued conflict that haunts me every day. With that in mind, here is what I wrote in my morning time of meditation that spoke to me. My hope is that it will speak to whoever is reading this and it will help lift you into the fears instead of being pushed down by them.

Can I show up? - Yes, I can!
Can I bring myself (to the task I am trying to do)? - Yes, I can!
Can I bring my experiences? - Yes, I can!
Can I bring my heart (to the task I am trying to do)? - Yes, I can!
Can I offer myself to others? - Yes, I can!

Then:

I offer myself with all my fears, insecurities and my heart. If I show up shaking and trembling in fear, let that be my experience. If I show up not shaking and trembling in fear, than let that be my experience. For both are part of my process, my journey as I step out in a leap of faith.

My Enteric Brain Journey, Sep 1, 2004

Here is an account of a session with Dr. Canali in 2004. My reason for sharing this from my journal are to help bring about awareness to all that is possible through this simple but deep form of healing. Please keep checking back for future postings from my journal.
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August 28, 2004
I was feeling pretty good since the last session with Dr. Canali. In fact doing the computer job this last week, I was much calmer in working with the computers and I felt much surer of myself when meeting new people. However today I started feeling the anger again and like I was in a place like a couple of weeks ago. This place was full of anger and sort of like I didn’t know where I was or who I was. It was just like I was spinning out in outer space somewhere. When I got my haircut, she washed my hair and I am not sure if that is what changed things or not, but I seemed to calm down after that. I know I have a lot of anger within me and I hope that one day very soon it will be gone.


September 1, 2004 – Session With Dr Canali
Whew... what a night, I'm exhausted! I told Dr. Canali that some days I feel at peace and then other days I feel like tornadoes are going off inside of me - rage, frustration, sucking the air out of me. Not fun when it bounces back and forth between these things. He adjusted my neck because after I fell the other day, I think I sort of put it out of place. It does feel better. I had a lot of shaking in my legs and it was like my legs locked on me and wouldn't move (just like when I got paralyzed and it was scary to me). Dr. Canali says that what I am experiencing is part of the process and I will trust him for now but it ain't easy! I wish I could go more often because it might help. Of course he told me today that I needed to use the ball more because my gut was a bunch of knots and couldn't take much work at all.