So I've struggled to find my way. I've struggled to find my footing. I've fought against myself and everything that seemed to exist. I didn't know any other way to do this because I was in a million different kinds of pain. It hurt deeply. The hurt was raw open wounds that had salt poured on them daily.
I had too many it seemed that held high expectations for where I was supposed to be in life or what I was supposed to be doing. Maybe they didn't and it was my fictional imagination, but it felt that way. I struggled to find my footing.
Then it seemed like others that came along were not good for me. They flashed the pretty eyes and warmed me up like melted butter, only to dump ice on me and throw me to the floor. I fell for it. I'm disgusted that I didn't see it. My heart always wants to help and when people take advantage, it seems like it chips a little piece of my heart off each time.
There is a zillion things...
There is a zillion things I could claim to know or claim that I'm doing and they might be accurate. However, I'm left to find the pieces and pick them up, then put them together again. It isn't easy. I feel so alone some days. I feel like I'm the only one in this ship on the ocean.
I've struggled to find my footing and some days it feels like slippery steps I'm trying to climb as if an ice storm has coated everything in my path. Maybe some things and people are good, but at this moment, I feel like they have walked away.
I'm trying to accept where I am at and that is difficult. Yes, I could apply one of the million memes passed along every day, but I know this is something I must figure out. It is holding me back. I just can't see the beginning or the end of it. I'm stuck in the middle.
Stones of fear lie before me...
Maybe it isn't a bad thing to be stuck in the middle, because at least you aren't just starting out and it gives you the opportunity of discovering what lies ahead. It isn't easy though to be struggling to find my footing. It is quite frightening at times. The path has too many stones of fear that lie before me.
There is a sense of loss as I continue to walk forward. I'm not sure what the loss is as I struggle to find my footing, but maybe it is giving up the ways that got me this far. They were special to me. They helped guide me, give me energy and support. Maybe now though, I am seeing they formed the path for me to walk ahead.
There are many things I don't know in this moment, but I'm walking forward. My pace may have slowed, but I'm hoping I begin to see the horizon of the land before me. The ocean is great, but without finding the shore, it feels like I'm only adrift.
Struggling to find my footing is part of life. It is where growth happens. It is where discovery takes place. While it may not always be a day at the beach, it is part of life. I know that and realize it. It just doesn't necessarily make it any easier.
Blog Post And Images (c) 2017 by Don Shetterly
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