I've wrestled with posting this or not because I don't normally like to display anything about my financial situation to people or to the general public that may be reading this. However, from the looks of the mess our country and world is in, I'm fairly certain, I'm not alone in what I share here. This is a page from my journal that displays in raw form, the cold hard realities I face. While I know many others face this very same thing, my hope is that somehow others can learn from what I'm going through. All too often, we sweep the financial frustrations under the rug because no one wants to really talk about them. We may do that by telling the person to think positive, to be abundant and to do a myriad of other things. While well intentioned, when one is in the middle of financial despair, these remedies do very little except helping the person giving them feel better. Yes, I'm being very blunt and honest here but again, this is cold hard reality in this moment. If you're not able to handle that, my suggestion would be to skip this post and not read it.
My Financial Meltdown
© Nov 2, 2009 by Don Shetterly
I am so tired of everyone wanting money or some form of money from me claiming that what they have for me is what I need. They mean well and they offer good things but for now, it makes no difference to me. At this point in my life, income is nonexistent and so any expense right now is like someone cutting off a body part with a dull knife.
I’m struggling to make it this year. Nothing has been easy for me and in fact, since bankruptcy, I think it is the worst year I have ever had. Everything I’ve tried, and worked for and hoped for has been a bust. Sorry, if it sounds like I’m sugar coating things here but I’m not.
We moved up here a couple of years ago and I thought that things would be a little tough, but then they would come together. Boy, was I ever wrong! I can’t seem to meet people here nor can I seem to find anyone that wants me to work on them (even if I give it away free). It doesn’t matter if I charge $100 or $0, the result is the same – no one to work on.
But this area is so difficult to meet people and lord knows I’ve tried. It is a strange area and I didn’t see that when we were looking at houses. Not that I miss Miami enough to want to move down there. The traffic, the over populated areas and the fickleness of it just left too much that doesn’t match up with me. I grew up in a much different part of the country that honors, respects people and treats people fairly. Things I didn’t find in Miami. The traffic – you couldn’t pay me a million bucks to move back there either. Yuk!
Anyway, let’s get back to the thing that has my blood boiling at the moment. I have absolutely no money to do anything extra. In fact, if it weren’t for my partner, I’d be living in a cardboard box and begging for food. I haven’t made enough money to support myself at all and if it wasn’t for considerable help right now, I’d be sunk. Credit Card debt has increased and right now, at this moment, I see no end in sight. That’s the picture in clear color!
Believe me, I’ve pondered and thought and tried to open my mind up to what it is that is blocked from me. Maybe I’m paying for past sins or maybe I am some cosmic joke in the universe. Yes, that may not sound good but damn it, life feels that way right now. In fact, I had read Catherine Ponder’s Book, “Open Your Mind To Prosperity” and since I did that, all HELL has broke loose it seems. I thought things were rough before but after getting only half way through that book, they got much worse. So maybe I’m clearing out or getting ready for something good to come my way, but geesshhh la rease I can’t take much more.
If life was about enduring it and seeing how much endurance you had, I’d be on top of the world or pretty close to it. I see others making it and not struggling the way I do and I wonder what in the hell is wrong with me. Why am I not making it? It makes no sense to me and I’m sure to others, it makes perfect sense. Most likely I’m not living up to the expectations of others in all of this – not that I live life trying to live up to what others want from me.
I feel like I’m on my own and alone in this world fighting through this. While I’m sure that is not the case, it feels this way. I know I’ve had to make it through most of my life on my own anyway so this is not new to me. And to be honest, I’m getting very tired of this struggle. I’m running out of energy and it seems like my life’s supply of energy is almost completely depleted.
I know no other place to turn nor do I know what to do next. I can’t even figure out how to make it through this month or even this week let alone any further than this. I hate doing the computer work these days because it is boring and a pain in the backside dealing with people. They always want something you can’t deliver and they want it completed before you even knew about it. Most of that work is next to nonexistent anyway and if it does show up, the pay rates are so low, one can barely net any money from it.
My music income is down so bad this year because of the economy which doesn’t help either. Last year, it was helping enable me to do a few things that I can’t even do this year and helped things to grow. Massage income is almost nonexistent. I can just see the loss on taxes now but that might be a good thing.
I really don’t know where to turn or when this HELL will end. I’m not sure if I can keep going any longer though. What is tough though when others want me to spend money for things that are undoubtedly good for me but if you have no more blood to give, you can’t bleed. I’m not talking just having a lower income. I mean, I have no money to spend. I can’t keep putting it on the Credit Card either.
It is like seeing someone out in the ocean drowning and instead of throwing them a rope or swimming out to help them, you offer them a bottle of water and a sandwich to eat. Of course you know that the person needs to keep up their strength and may be thirsty or dehydrated so you feel you’re offering them something good. But the person drowning, just needs the help and while the water and the sandwich may be good for them, it is the last thing on their mind. I feel like the person drowning and everyone keeps offering me water to drink instead of throwing me the rope. Maybe no one has a rope to throw me.
So I’m back at where I began. I feel like a whiner writing about my problems with no end in sight. I feel like I’m staring into a very long and dark tunnel with absolutely no clue when I will see the light of day, if ever. I feel like it is hopeless. I feel alone and fighting something that I’m not prepared to fight nor have I had any training. I don’t understand why I’m struggling so hard in life because I was always able to support myself. I wonder what is wrong with me and I long for answers or directional signs just to help keep me on a road, any road. At this point, I’m not particular.
Again, I keep coming up empty handed with absolutely no answers, no signs, no signals and nothing to show for life. I’ve read that you need to be happy with where your life is so you can move on but when you’re living in despair, happiness is one of those far off stars in the sky. You can see it, but that’s about it.
So what’s next – I haven’t got a clue. Where do I go from here – again, I don’t have a clue. I feel like a fraud at this point and I find myself day dreaming because that’s about all I have. The only other thing I have is a little bit of hope left that someday, I’ll look back and get a giggle out of what I wrote here.