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A Mother's Promise To Help After Son's Suicide
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Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Reflections On My Life
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and realizing just how far I've come. Maybe that's the message I was looking for recently when I felt like I was up against the same proverbial brick wall. It was a familiar brick wall and one that seems to be there no matter what.
You see, my life has been deluged with many storms. I've been battered in just about any way one can think of that a person can be. There hasn't been too many things that I've not encountered in my life in one way or another. Some people have told me that I chose this life, which at first was hard to reconcile but the more I challenge and look at what these people have told me, the more it makes sense. I was never one to believe in past lives but too many things have surfaced to give evidence that there is more out there than what I was taught in some narrow minded churches.
When I was a kid, I never really thought I would make it through high school. I always just knew "somehow" that I was going to get very sick and the entire family would be around me wondering what to do. No one would have answers and it was a life threatening situation. As a kid, I thought this would happen before I graduated from high school but instead, it was a few years after I was out of college. And while I couldn't see the entire manner in which this would play out, it did involve my family wondering how to get me the help I needed and the doctors being unsure of what to do. Fortunately I did recover but it was a very difficult moment in my life and I did come very close to death.
All the while growing up though, I was an extremely sensitive kid. I'd cry at anything and everything. If I was separated from my mom, I'd cry. If I saw something little creature on the ground tortured or mistreated or even stepped on, I would cry. I had a pet rock and if someone would hit it, I would cry. There were people around me that could not accept that and being a boy, I was taught to be a "man" and not cry. Of course, that just made me go and hide my head under a pillow and cry myself to sleep.
The point is I was very sensitive and I picked up so much that was around me from what people were thinking and not saying to how they felt, how they responded to me or to so many things. It was like I was acquainted with a language that was not spoken or shared. Of course, the home life was not a stable, grounded life and so these things became misdirected as self sabotage for me. That led to stomach and digestive problems, self confidence issues and so many other things because I internalized everything.
By the time I reached high school, I knew I was just different than others or they were just different than me. I didn't feel like I fit in nor did I really want to. Many things I knew seemed to evade others and I was often confused that concepts which I understood were so far removed from most of the population. I still struggle with that to this day because somehow I just understand things that I have no idea where they came from.
Today, I still struggle with the self confidence and feeling like I fit into life. There are concepts which just seem normal to me but 99.9% of the population just doesn't get it! And they don't seem that concerned either.
I'm still very sensitive and really learning that this is a good thing in my life but sometimes it is overwhelming to say the least. Sometimes walking in store with a lot of people, is a major challenge for me. It is like everyone has their own life's movie playing around them as they walk by. Sometimes, I pick up the pains that these people have and then struggle to figure out if they are my pains or another person's pain.
So some days I still feel really out of place in this life and sometimes I have no way to reconcile that with anything. It is hard to find well rounded, grounded people to talk to because so many go out into all forms of la la land and they can't even see that they are in la la land. I'm learning though that all of these things are helping me grow into the person that I am. While I want everything to come together in life and know exactly what I'm supposed to be doing what it is I feel I'm being groomed for, I know that until the moment is right, there will be the feeling of a void. My sense and message is that all of this is taking place quicker than I realize but it is not time yet.
Why did I write this? I'm not sure. It may just be my way of trying to connect the dots. It may be my way of showing myself that this is going along as planned or it may be a whole host of other reasons. Whatever it is, my hands felt the need to write my thoughts down and I'll let the words go where ever they may travel.
It is my quest to understand more about my life, to heal from the storms of life and to follow that inner guidance within myself that shows me the path ahead.