Several days back, I was at the point of wishing life would really stop. Life as I know it had given me a lot to deal with and culminated in an episode of vomiting and complete exhaustion of my body. One could make a claim that I had a 24 hour flu bug or that I had eaten something that didn't agree with myself but the facts would not support these theories and hypothesis. However, there was one factor that played a significant role in this entire night of horrible anguish.
Leading up to this night, I was full of anger that seemed to just replenish itself every moment that I drew from its well. There was no end to its supply. On top of that, my neck muscles, back muscles and overall body were in a state of tension from stress with pains radiating from many different parts. It included the creep crawly feeling on my legs along with the muscles twitching that drives me nuts! Headaches were coming and going and my eating diet was so far off with wild mood swings from one extreme to another. I felt like a pendulum going back and forth, back and forth, and back and forth.
Than when the fury of the night unleashed its gigantic storm on me, I sat on the bathroom floor wishing this would stop but knowing if I continued to resist it, things could and most likely would get worse. By the time, the vomiting had stopped; I could barely stand up on my two feet or make it to my bed to just go to sleep for the night. Every internal organ inside of my body was twisting and turning and I could feel every movement which was not enjoyable. I just wanted the night to be over and all of this to end. I had reached my end point. I had reached the point of saying enough was enough and did not have the ability to even begin fighting this in the moment. I had reached fatigue. I had reached exhaustion. There was no going back at this moment. The only way beyond was to accept the current state I was in and worry about the next moment when it arrived.
The next day, I still felt horrible as far as abdominal pains from the night of vomiting. I was weak and had little desire to eat anything at that point. I was extremely tired and desired sleep. However, my body felt much more relaxed than it had felt in some time. The tension was remarkably less. The headaches were gone. It felt as if my body had gone through a big release as if I had been through a bodywork session on a table. You could argue and probably would be correct that the night of vomiting was point that built up to the release in my body. However, my body was not the same as it was the previous day and even though my mind was still tired and exhausted, I knew there was a change.
As I regained my strength throughout the day, I finally broke down and said, "Universe - you win". I continued speaking to the universe that what I had been given in life to deal with was more than I could take. I needed a break. I needed a reprieve from it. I just could only deal with so much and it seemed as if I had been given more than my fair share. I remember uttering the words "I really need a miracle" and I was not going to share that point with anyone. I wanted the miracle to come my way totally unsuspected and in a way that I knew I was not creating it. I just left it at that. By this point, I felt strong enough to start doing some yard work and so I spent a couple of days outside in the sun not worrying about any of the stresses I had to deal with in life at that moment.
Then on Monday morning bright and early, I was awakened by a phone call. While that was annoying, I stepped back and saw that what this person had to share with me was a prompting to pick up a project that I had almost given up on. I was sitting there thinking - wow.. that's amazing! Later that day, I found out about an opportunity to sell some music through a national retailer website that just had not connected in my mind and so that process started. On Tuesday, I had sent an email to someone and so wanted to be able to attend an event coming up but knew there was no possible way. Out of that email, came a response that completely changed every aspect of that particular situation. In the process of this time, I was able to connect with an online friend who up until this point, I was too shy to talk to on the phone and that single act of speaking on the phone was a big moment for me. The possibilities of that single phone call are out of this world.
Tuesday morning of course was met by another phone call for a 5 day contract job. While the pay was less than normal, it was 5 full days of work which was a welcomed relief. Things had been getting pretty dire with income and so after going many weeks without any phone calls, this contact meant so much. Later Tuesday afternoon, I was working hard on a project when a call came through from a friend on the Yanni Fan Club message board. I missed the call initially but then check the messages and knew I needed to call her back right away. She had initially bought tickets for her family to see Yanni in Orlando next but her husband just had pace maker surgery and was advised not to travel to Orlando. That meant, she had an extra ticket and she just wanted someone to be able to use it. While she had called others about this, I was the first one to return her call and I’m so happy I was. The ticket is in the 4th row and I've never been to a concert where I sat in the 4th row before. She gave me the ticket and wanted nothing for it. Without this act of her kindness and generosity, I would not have been able to go see Yanni. I never expected something like this to happen when I woke up yesterday.
My mind is drifting back to the statement I made to the universe just a couple days ago "I need a miracle". I didn't get "ONE" miracle. Instead, I received several miracles. And I wrote the following, "I love it when the Universe and the Angels let me know they are there and today, it has been in some very dramatic ways. I asked for a miracle and I'm amazed at how quickly things happened. Wow... Why did I ever doubt this? That's the lesson I still haven't fully learned."
Yes, I still struggle with the issue of knowing I'm not alone in this world. My upbringing led me to the point of not ever relying or asking for or accepting any help whatsoever. I was taught that if you did, than the people who were giving these things to you could and most definitely would demand how you ran your life and what decisions you made and every little thing you would do. I was taught by example that once you accept help, than you give up all freedom. When I look back at the previous week, it is obvious that I'm not alone and it is very obvious that there is something out there listening to me. You may want to call it the Universe, God, The Angels, The Spirits or a host of other identifiers. To me, it doesn't matter what I call it, because I know they exist. However, I usually refer to them as my Angels or as the Universe. It is what fits for me.
My heart is filled with joy at this time because of all that has transpired for me. I can see that if we drop our guard down and allow ourselves to connect with all that is around us, than we truly are not alone and we are blessed beyond imagination. I realize that we don't have to go any further than what is right around us. It isn't something that we need to look to others for the answers but is something that is right within us. Others may help us discover what is within ourselves, but we can access it at any time.
Of course, like many others, I fail to remember this. That just gives me the opportunity for further growth and continued steps on down my journey. So once again, I'm reminded of all that I am part of and all that is a part of me. May I remember this as I draw on the strength I need to fulfill the purpose that is before me.
Please join me for a free online webinar as we discuss a mother's promise to help prevent suicide.
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A Mother's Promise To Help After Son's Suicide
Feb 4, 2017 (1pm EST)