Tuesday, May 12, 2015

When Life Gets Away From You

Another from my daily journal where I try to make sense of things that seem beyond my control.  I write to understand.  I write to find my way through.  I write in my journal to make sense out of that which I can't seem to control.

When life gets away from you, what are you to do?  Where are you to go?  Do you run and hide?  Do you run and flee from everyone you know?

When life gets away from you, what is the next step?  Where do you turn?  Can you even begin to find the way back to that which you seek.

Lately, it feels like life has gotten away from me.  What I once had, no longer exists.  Too much heartache and pain has come knocking on my door.  There has been far too much stress in the job to even have a moments rest.

In my job, I'm forced to work 12 to 15 hours, but I get no time off.  Welcome to the world of staffing and contracts.  They depend upon the needy and the starving to do their jobs, but respect or human decency is just too much to for these companies.  If only I could get a rest without the worry of the phone going off or email coming through, maybe and I mean just maybe I could tolerate this job.

For a time, things were on the uphill climb and I felt I was getting somewhere.  Now, it just seems like I am fighting with life and pushing myself to exist another day in this mess and chaos.  It seems like nothing I do changes the outcome.  It seems like if I care, I'm just asking for more chaos to come my way.

I'm tired of the yelling and screaming and finger pointing in this job.  I"m tired of the blame game.  I'm tired of feeling humiliated and put down and not respected.  I'm tired of the bullies.  I'm tired of not feeling like anything I do matters.  I'm tried of feeling like no matter what I attempt to do, there is going to be a bully waiting to squash the concept at every turn and at every moment.

The income is nice.  It is needed.  It is hard to walk away from it.  I have goals in the short term I am working for and I need this income to carry me through until the goals mature.  Yet, I feel exhausted to the point that my goals feel more like dreams then reality.

I've thought about walking away from this job and lord knows I've done this in the past.  However, it isn't just me.  There are other obligations now that must be met.

I have desires about what I want my life to be and where I feel I need to go.  I have urgings of things that are much bigger than this job which are pounding on the door of my attention each day.  Yet, I'm all too exhausted to even think about those desires and urgings.  I hear them loudly, but I have no strength to open the door.

Where will I go from here?  I don't know.  I'm at a crossroads and it is becoming increasingly difficult to continue down this road with a job that consumes my life and bullies that compromise my human existence.

It is no longer "when life gets away from me".  It is how can I survive this moment I'm in.  At one time I questioned myself "is this job worth it" and now I can't even find a way to say yes.  I now just ask, "how much more can I take?"

I'm a strong person, but right now I feel weak and spat upon and run over.  I feel as if the people who should care, don't give a damn.  My own give a damn is busted.  I am exhausted.

Tomorrow is another day and I will find my way through it, but how do I go on after that?  How do I get up after being bruised and weary to the bone, to do what I need to do in life?  How do I give up that which sustains me in this moment.  Does it require an absolute leap of faith or is that nothing more than a leap into insanity?

I have no answers in this moment.  I just have plenty of exhaustion.  This must end.  I must find a way back to myself and the life I want.  How that will unfold?  My eyes are too blind to see the answers in this moment.

Blog Post And Images (c) 5/10/15 by Don Shetterly

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