Mistakes

Mistakes are something that I've always been pretty hard on myself throughout my entire life. There are plenty of reasons as I'm sure many others out there would attest to as well. I could delve into the details of all of these, but it most likely would not further this particular discussion. Of course, it is important to note that I am not saying you should not travel into these areas of your life. On the contrary, I feel it is important to go in and reclaim these misfires of communication in your mind that distort mistakes. Once you do, you offer your brain a different path to travel when these circumstances come up.

I am very creative but as I create, I get very critical of myself. This is especially true when it comes to creating music. Most of the music I play is songs that I create in the moment. They are not repeated from anyone or anything but totally what happens at the moment my hands rest on the keyboard. If you had the opportunity to be around me when I am creating, you would more than likely hear me say at some point as I was listening to a playback of the song, "there was a mistake". To the average person or even the talented musician, they would not hear the mistake. That is because what I call a mistake is how what I am hearing playback to me is not how my mind heard the music come together. And yet, I am realizing now that those little moments that I call mistakes have led to some wonderful moments in the songs I have created. It has given them a depth and dimension all to their own that without these "mistakes", they would not be all that they are.

One of my favorite authors, Ellen Langer in the book "On Becoming An Artist" writes about mistakes in the following quote on page 81

If we know just where we are going we can’t go anywhere new. Mistakes not only set the stage for a mindful approach to the work at hand but also reveal our individuality. When we all act according to the same plan, our final products are likely to look the same, just as machine-made rugs do. Our “errors,” by contrast, stand a chance to be both unique and interesting. The difference between a line drawn with a ruler and one drawn by hand is that, in the latter, the individual shines through.

So if we feel we really have to embrace that we make mistakes in life, why not try turning the tables on the thought process for a moment. If we see mistakes as an opportunity towards greater awareness or insight, than the person who makes many mistakes, has so many opportunities in life. Just imagine having all those opportunities.

Of course if we take the mindful approach to what we consider mistakes, than all that you are and all the potential you have, has the opportunity to shine as bright as the brightest star.

The Art of Music Creation

In response to how I create music:


I'm totally different than most people I think. If I sat down to write a song, I'd be sitting there staring at the wall until I gave up on the idea. For me, it either happens or it doesn't. I don't really feel like I have any control over it whatsoever. It is dependent though upon what I am going through in my personal life or what is going on in the world around me. That influences what I do in a very dramatic way.

For me though, my music comes in one big moment. I am always creating and just playing whatever it is that comes out. I basically sit at the keyboard and my fingers play music that is created in the moment. If I thought about it, the fingers would stop so I just have to let them go. Sometimes I can sit at the keyboard and know that this is going to happen and sometimes it doesn't. Again, I don't feel as if I have control over this.

So when my fingers begin playing something, I have a nice little record feature on my keyboard and I hit record because I never know what is going to happen. I'm very picky though in what others get to hear so many of the things I create never make it to the light of day where others get to hear it. I'm just too picky. Once it is recorded, than I go back and listen to it because usually when I'm recording my stuff, I really don't "hear" the music. It isn't until I play it back, that I truly get to hear it.

For me, it is like a conversation between "someone out there" and myself or "some deep place within me" and my conscious self. I don't know how else to describe it. Once the conversation is spoken, than that is the end. It isn't like I can go back and play the music over either as I'm just as lost if I attempt to do this. I've tried to print out sheet music but there are so many notes and nuances in the music that I can't even replay the song from this format. So, it is a one time shot for me. I do wish I could go back and replay it but to this date, I've not found a way to do this.

Of course, once I listen to the song that I recorded, if it has one note that is out of place (and even if that means the note doesn't fit in the way the song goes in my own mind), the song just gets filed away on my computer. To most people, they would never hear that note, but to me, it stands out.

I know others create music in a much different way and I wish I could do that but so far, those methods are just a mystery to me as even the way I create music. It is frustrating to me that I can not replay my stuff so if I ever play in front of people, I end up just creating in the moment. Creating in the moment is fine but it takes so much energy out of me that I can not do it for long periods at a time.

I read some music but not enough to play complex stuff. Ever since my paralysis in 1991, I sometimes struggle to play music that is already written. I've recovered from the paralysis but I still struggle with getting my fingers and my brain to play in unison and with flexibility.

So much of the music growing up for me was music that I played in church or heard in church. We weren't allowed to go to concerts or listen much to a radio, so my musical influence is really the church. In many ways, some of those sounds come through in what I create. The rest of it, I have no idea where it comes from.

And when I create a song, there is usually a thought or series of thoughts (conversation) going through my mind. Most of the time I record those thoughts in my journal and then name the song around them. Many of these I have shared in a summary form on my website but for the most part, I think those thoughts come through in the music to the subconscious mind.

So that in a nutshell is how I create music. Maybe one day, I'll figure out how to do it like everyone else does.

Abundance Blessings

It was truly one of those days. Just hours earlier, I was really feeling pretty roughed up in life, struggling to make sense of some things. They tend to be normal things, but nevertheless they are my beloved and hated twins. Most of the time, I can tough it out, act strong and act as a man while muddying through it. This day though, things were just building a little too much for me.

So I had some alone time and I sat and talked to the angels, as I call it. Most people may think I am a little strange here or if they saw me, they might think I was really losing my marbles because it would appear I was talking with no one. Call it what you may or what you must, but to me it is talking to my angels.

Anyway, I expressed my concerns, frustrations and anger. Normally, I don't hold back and I just say it as I see fit. It is what seems natural and normal to me. I do remember when people used to tell me in church, you shouldn't get mad and scream at God. Oh really, well if God or the angels or the universe (however you look at it) isn't big enough to handle all of this, than they really aren't that powerful and wonderful in my eyes. I digress though.

So yesterday we went to check out a massage school. I wanted to make another contact in the area, get a small bottle of massage oil and check on CEU classes. While we were getting ready, a thought popped in to my mind to go to the store, Guitar Center, and see about an audio interface for recording music. You see, since I got my new laptop, I have been struggling to record music from my keyboard on it with a good quality sound. When I bought the laptop, little did I know that together, Dell and Microsoft and the Recording Industry, would try to prevent something as simple as this. I've spent more hours than I want to think of trying to resolve this.

Anyway, back to the journey. The massage school was different than what I was used to and no classes were in session but I found the massage oil I wanted and got some information. It was a nice connection but I really do miss the school I went to.

We then headed to Guitar Center and when I showed the sales person what I was after, he said, that is not going to do well for what you are doing. I'm like, ok.. so what will that isn't real expensive because some of these items get pretty expensive. He pulled out a cheaper one but it would only allow me to record one channel in stereo which wasn't ideal. Than I asked him, what is the best solution and he pulled out another which was about $50 more. I'm thinking ok.. I record music. I want to do this and I want it to be right. Of course, the business account didn't have enough to cover it but there's always plastic right. So I then wasn't really thinking but noticed I asked him if there was a discount for a couple of places connected to my music distribution. He said no on the one but went to the computer, punched in a few keys and said, I can give you a discount of $25. I'm like...cool. I'll buy it! Later when I checked online, neither of these music services I mentioned had any discount with this place. He didn't have to give me the discount but he did. I'll finish the rest of that story in a moment.

So on the way home, I got a call from a good friend of mine who works with Dr. Canali. I've been struggling lately to find others who are consciously aware of life in the way that I am and Dr. Canali is. I've missed him and my friend a lot and I just needed that connection. Right now, to make a trip to Miami, hotels are at the peak of the season and are extremely expensive. So it really isn't an option at the moment. Anyway I found out they were coming to a place about 90 miles from us this weekend to do a seminar/workshop for another therapist I know. I'm like...smiles, hi 5's and the whole works! Just to reconnect with them and be around this will be worth more than a government bailout package! I had tears in my eyes just knowing that I would get to see them again. These are two people who have been with me through so much and next to Jeff, they hold a very special place in my heart.

Anyway, I got home and told Jeff I needed to try the massage oil out. Of course he happily agreed to letting me try it out on him. I gave him a 45 minute back massage which I haven't done on anyone in some time. I was kind of amazed that I still remembered what to do but when I finished, you could see it in his face that not only did he enjoy it but he was relaxed. A big confidence booster it was just knowing that I still had the touch.

So on through the rest of the story. I got home and started to hook up the new audio interface to my computer not really sure what I was doing. Jeff helped me with moral support. And then it happened! I recorded the first sounds through the new device and when I listened to the recorded sound, I was blown away. The sound was so crisp, clear and of a quality that I had never heard come out of a recording before. It was beautiful and I have a feeling this will give me the added edge my music has been lacking. I knew it was missing something but I didn't realize what I had been missing all this time. I'm glad I struggled through this issue and ended up buying the device that I bought. It was like it was meant to be and I was just a little slow to figure it out!

As I was thinking though when I went to bed last night, so many things happen in our days and if we're not careful, they will pass us by without even noticing them. The joys from yesterday were great and were the pick me up, I needed. They were the confidence booster, the new insight, the revolutionized way of creating future music! They were examples of knowing that I'm not alone and that I have so much support out there. It was a day of letting me know, that they, the angels, are listening. Indeed it was an abundant day of blessings.