I remember in the early days of the paralysis that I went through, things were frightening and tough and unknown. I didn't know what was happening to me and no one could explain it to me. All I knew was that my body was failing me in ways I could not comprehend or imagine.
I remember that one day of hearing bad news in particular when the doctors breathed the words to me that I had MS (Multiple Sclerosis). It was a time when there was no internet to search and so information was hard to come by explaining what this was. However, I knew enough that the news wasn't good.
In those moments after hearing this news, I was in shock and utter disbelief. Actually, I wasn't even sure how to feel or what to think in these moments that followed. There is no way for the human mind to comprehend what has been told to you when it is horrible news about your health. There is no way for the mind to fully understand what lies ahead.
After the shock and disbelief began to wear off, I remember feeling very scared and afraid of what was ahead for me. Again, with little information, I was not prepared. Actually I'm not sure the information would have helped completely either, but maybe it would have answered some of my questions.
I've had other times when I hear bad news or the I've experienced physical things in my body that make me feel as if I have no control over my future. In those times, the fear has a free-for-all and I'm left to hold the pieces of my life together in some form and fashion.
The anger in those moments I felt towards whatever brought this on and the disillusionment of life led me to wanting to crawl into my cave and hide from the storm. It was so overwhelming in those moments that I began to question everything I knew.
Whether its cancer, AIDs, a heart attack, Conversion Disorder or some other condition, it isn't always easy to deal with the shocking news you get. You may want to begin finding fault with everyone and everything you learn. You may want to last out at anything and everything around you. You may want to act as if this diagnosis is wrong or not fully thought out. Whatever you feel, its perfectly normal.
During the early days of Conversion Disorder, I wasn't even aware this is what the diagnosis was for my condition. I didn't know how to get from where I was at to a moment of normal functioning. There was no treatment regime to follow or course of action that would guarantee that I would be able to walk, talk, and remember things once again.
I began my search for what would help my life and I began to search deep within my body and mind. Things that I had been taught were not healing to do, became my life saving force. People who I thought had my best interests at heart, were those that were leading me astray.
I learned that I had to give up anything and everything in my life to begin finding myself once again. I learned that the answers I sought came in forms that I didn't expect. The things most helpful to me seemed so simple and ridiculous in the initial moment, but they provided some of the greatest healing power that I needed.
Some days when you hear bad news, it doesn't mean all is lost and that the doctors have it all correct. They have the human mind to contend with and only the information available to them in that moment. As I found, don't just focus on what you know and believe in to heal yourself. Expand your consciousness and knowledge to discover how the simple healing moments will lead you to something greater than you can imagine.
Blog Post And Images (c) 9/6/14 by Don Shetterly
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