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| Joy On Christmas Morning Part 3 |
No matter how hard I try during this time of year, I still succumb to the pain, anxiety and despair of this season. I so badly want to find a way through this rather than face the anxiety, nervousness, stress and tension that I feel.. I want to feel the joy of a child on Christmas morning rather than the anger that bubbles up within me and forces me to hibernate from the outside world during this season. I don't want to feel lifeless and drained as I try to cope with the mixed emotions and pain. I would love to believe that I could wave a majic wand and it would all be a normal and fun and exicting time of year. However, I would not be living in reality if this were true.
Each year, I keep trying and hoping that somehow this year will be different for me. In fact, I can see that things have changed and I am growing through some of the hurts. Yet, as the days get closer to Chrsitmas, my body physically changes as if someone places a thousand pound weight on my shoulders to carry around. I fight to flee this yearly ritual, but I am not able to run fast enough. So, each year I try to do something at Christmas time and I have learned that if I don't do this early in the month of December, that by the middle of the month, I literally have no energy left to carry it out.
One day, I hope that I can decorate the house with Christmas decorations throughout, and not have to constantly fight back the tears in my eyes. One day I hope I can find some way to help make Christmas a little brighter for children that are all alone or maybe are in a hospital fighting for their life. It doesn't really matter to me what is taught about Christmas in the chruches as much as I find a way to give something back to those who may be struggling to hang on in life. To this day, I've not found that magic wand where the right combination lifts me up from my own despair, but I hope that one day my dreams will come true.
I wrote this in hopes that it would help someone out there struggling hard with this very same day. Maybe you've faced monsters in your life, or you are outcast for being true to who you are. You might have lost someone so special to you or be feeling the pains of life. I just want you to know that you are not alone and if you are in this same situation, please feel free to leave a comment sharing your story. Who knows, you might just be helping someone else through a difficult time. My hope is that we all learn to live life through the joy of a child on Christmas morning, not the pain that attempts to engulf our day.
Related Blog Posts:
1) Joy On Christmas Morning - Part 1 (Dec 22, 2011)
2) Joy On Christmas Morning - Part 2 (Dec 23, 2011)
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