Some days, it feels like the vultures are circling. Some days I'm not sure if I care because I feel exhausted and tired and like this moment will never end. Some days it just feels all too much for me to take in.
The question becomes, can I keep going? I know, I probably can, but often times it sure doesn't feel like it. It feels like it is a circus ride that will never end.
I know I've been here before. I know I've beat the odds of what was supposed to happen. I know I wasn't supposed to make it this far according to the doctors and my friends - but I did.
Some days it is hard to see the support around me, much less listen to it. Some days, my body and mind feel tired and worn out from the fight. Yet, I know I can't stop - there's so much more left to do.
Can I keep going? I sure hope so! Even in the moments where I think all hope is loss, I cling on to the hope that tomorrow or the next moment will be different. Something will make it worth more than I think it is now.
Its not always easy...
Can I keep going? No, its not easy. I won't sugar coat it. Yet, I know I have come this far and I have to keep going. I have to win because the more I make it, the more the monsters in my life fail. I cannot let them win.
For now, I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Sometimes I take big steps and sometimes they are little steps. Once in awhile I stand still or take a step back to balance myself. Yet, I keep trying to walk forward.
It is up to me if I can keep going or not. I feel like my life has endured so much already and it has. I am just not ready to stop and sit in the ditch along the road of life, thinking there is no use to continuing on.
I don't know what it is, but I've always been fascinated by trains. Maybe it is because I have grown up in houses that were near railroad tracks. I remember the shaking of the house and the sounds jarring us out of a nice peaceful moment.
I explored plenty of worlds walking down railroad track, watching the changing vegetation as I went. I felt like someone out making my way through a journey on my own. It felt like I was in my own little word that I created as I walked down the tracks.
As a child, we lived down this long driveway from railroad tracks and I still remember that we would put rocks on the tracks. I thought it was cool to see how the train would knock them off or split them. My dad of course would get angry and beat us for doing that claiming we would make the train derail. I'm not sure it would have because these were small rocks.
There was one house we lived in that had a hill just beyond the train tracks. Whenever we heard the train coming, we would hurry and run across to the other side sitting up on the hill and watching as it went by. Knowing that we were close to the train as it went by and feeling the power of it was a big thrill to me. Yes, we were careful. We understood the risks, but we made sure we were safe.
I miss the sound of the train...
These are good memories of my childhood. I often miss the sound of the train in the distance. It became such a familiar part of my life and one that isn't marred so much by other events we went through.
I have always admired the power of a train as it chugged along carrying so many things from different parts of the country. When I worked in a grain elevator, I remember working around the train cars and walking behind the inspector as they checked each car from above.
So when I heard that the Orange Blossom Cannonball was shutting down, I was sad. I didn't get to ride on it often and I didn't have the history that others most likely did, but I felt sad. It seems like a silly reason to close it down because the railroad line would not renew the lease since they needed to park freight cars in its place. Come on - really!?
The Orange Blossom Cannonball is a fun ride and I think of the cars that were built from the early 1900's, just how many stories they could tell. The people around the train and running it seemed friendly and nice. It connected a beautiful downtown area of Mount Dora to another small town called Tavares, Florida.
It makes its last ride...
Today as I write this, it makes its last ride. Today is the last day it will run. This train has been around for over a hundred years and starred in movies. It has built memories for many that will hopefully outlive the train.
However, it is a time of sadness for all seeing that it is coming to an end. It is difficult knowing that many who kept this train running will no longer have this job. I wish there was a way to keep it going. I hate that a part of history is now coming to an end.
I tried to capture a video of its last days and hope you'll get a chance to watch it. Feel free to share this video along. I really worked to just capture a sense of what it was like to ride on it and be around it. To see the video, click below. Last Time Riding The Orange Blossom Cannonball.
So long, Orange Blossom Cannonball.... So long....
Hopefully the 15 employees that lost their jobs find something as rewarding. They sure made this train was special and everyone I saw working there always had a smile to offer.
For months now, I've been chatting online with someone that has become a good friend of mine. We had not met, but became acquainted through a mutual connection. It didn't take long to establish a friendship because there was much we shared in common. This person happens to be a regular columnist on my blog now and her name is Marie. I'm so thrilled to have gotten to meet her in person because she's exactly like what she sounds like in all of our email conversations.
When we caught up, it was like we had known each other for centuries. As nervous as I usually am when meeting someone new, I just didn't experience that. It just felt easy to make the connection.
I was with her and her dogs at a Dog Agility competition and so I got to see something I had never been around. It was fun watching all the dogs and people interact. While I thought I might be like a sore thumb in a meat market, I felt perfectly fine and normal there.
After the last run Marie did with her dogs, I was walking with her as she took the dogs back to her little RV. They had so much energy and were playing, making it difficult for her to not get tangled up in their leashes. So, I asked if I could take one of the dogs to help her out.
The next thing I knew, Saki and I were running around having fun. I'm not sure who enjoyed it the most, me or Saki? It was a wonderful moment. It was like I had a friend and felt so connected to Saki and Marie.
We went back to her little RV and just sat and talked. Saki came up on her lap and decided to span the both of us with her face and front paws resting on my leg. It was a moment I will cherish.
Often because I work from home, I am somewhat isolated. I know it is something I need to find a solution too, but it just helped to talk to someone that understood and I could truly be myself. It helped to connect with the dogs.
It is a moment I will always cherish and the picture at the top of this post is Marie, myself and her dog. There is one dog hiding under our feet, but Saki is the resting on my leg.
