Monday, August 19, 2013

Observing Authenticity

I constantly am observing life and how we interact with our world and other inhabitants that walk this earth.  I've been a people watcher from the time I was very young or as far back as I can remember.  People are interesting creatures and often times, it is better than any movie I could ever watch.

Yet, as I observe how I fit into this world, I see that I am often measured and filtered with respect to where I go, what I do and how I allow the rest of the world to see me.  Sometimes I go overboard on this and other times I am probably too lenient on myself.  It is almost like I try to navigate through life using my reference with the world as stars to chart my course.

One of the things I know that I do is I hold back.  I'm afraid to make mistakes and afraid to fail.  God knows I'm not perfect and even when I try to present that front to the world, it becomes an illusion.  Often times I want to make sure the world knows that I have everything together even when I'm crumbling inside.

I still remember when I was recovering from my paralysis as a result of Conversion Disorder (also known as Functional Neurological Disorder- FND) and finally getting back in touch with friends, that a friend made a profound comment to me about my life.  He said in shock and disbelief, "you were in the hospital because you could not handle life and stress got the best of you  - you of all people?  Why, we thought out of the group of us friends, you were the one that had it all together!"